Upcoming events
“Even when I wasn’t dating, I really was progressing.”
I am amazed at what a year can do! As I review this past year in my mind I realize just how far I’ve come in a very unexpected way! Just over a year ago I had an experience that showed me how I need to be very clear on what I want if I ever hope to get what it is I say I’m after. Thankfully, Alisa was put in my path and has been an illuminating light on this new adventure.
I’ve been working with Alisa for just over a year now. I’ve been meeting with her about every other month and setting goals that point me in the right direction. However, month after month after month I have felt that nothing was happening for me. I wondered, Why can’t I even get a date!? How is smiling at the man at the gas station or giving praise to the teenage boy who held the door for me ever going to help me? I was not seeing a link between the goals Alisa was helping me with and what I wanted most—a great relationship. As the frustration mounted, I started to wonder if anything good was coming of all this work.
However, after what turned out to be exactly one very long year, I’m finally back in the dating game. And to my great surprise, all my work has paid off! I’m finding dating to be a completely different experience on this go-around. I’m attracting very different men—the men I’ve always wanted to be with. My confidence in dating has increased significantly, and my overall outlook on my future is bright. The dating experience seems to come with more ease and joy now. I feel like I have a whole new ability to relate to men in general.
Now that I’m on the other side of a dark tunnel, I’m so grateful for the slow and lonely moments that allowed me to assess what I really want and taught me how to refine my skills in a most unexpected way. I believe God knows the best route for us to take in our learning and leads us to those who can support us on our path. The process may not evolve the way we expect, but God gives us what we need the way we need it.
How to get more of the investment you want from others
Alisa’s response: If he calls and takes you out once a week, it could mean that you are on his A list but he is just very busy or a slow mover. I suggest you coach him into the behaviors you like most. For instance, Read more…
“I’m dating lots of men and don’t know how best to manage it.”
I’ve been dating someone for four months. He says we aren’t exclusive, and so I’m still dating others, but now I have a problem. A man I’ve been writing wants to come into town to see me, and an even one of my exes has come back. It’s very exhausting to be talking, investing, and sharing myself with more than one man every day. My past dating history is that I always dated one man at a time. Honestly, I feel like I’m cheating on the guy I’ve been dating for four months although my girlfriends tell me I’m not.
Q #1—Do you have any ideas or techniques on how I can “subtly query” the guy I’ve been dating for four months to find out what’s going on with the changes he’s making and why?
A—I would touch him on the arm and say to him at the end of a date, Read more…
Great women who don’t make men feel great
I recently had a conversation with one of the most stunningly beautiful, smart, accomplished, fun, grounded, talented girls I know and was STUNNED to find out she has never dated anyone. What?! How is this possible? I thought to myself.
So after watching her at a recent party, I realized guys have no clue she’s willing to go with them—no affirming “It’s been great talking to you. I’d like to talk more later.” No head tilt. No feminine gestures. True, she was still witty, funny, articulate, and beautiful . . . and it hit me—it’s not her, it’s her technique. So I guess my question is, how do I help my friend in a very kind, subtle way?
Alisa’s response: It’s amazing how many great women there are out there who don’t know how to make men feel great. Many women think flirting is beneath them, but Read more…
“At best, you are on his B list”
Q—I recently went on a first date with a guy I really like. When he walked me to my front door at the end of the date, he gave me a big hug and said that he’d talk to me later and to have a good night. He then briskly walked back to his car. Although I had given him the idea during the date that I wanted a second date by suggesting other activities to do on a different day, which he agreed to, he did not mention anything about wanting to contact me later or see me again at the doorstep. After he left I waited 20 minutes and called leaving a message thanking him for the date and saying that I’d like to see him again. He texted later that night and said, “Thanks. Night.” He’s been out of town for the last two weeks and hasn’t texted or called. I’ve texted him a few times, and he’s texted briefly back once. We talked about getting together when he gets back, but I feel like I may not get a second date from this guy. Am I reading this situation wrong, or should I just sit tight and wait for him to contact me again?
Hope you can help me understand this situation better. Thanks!
A—I don’t believe he’s very interested in you. I would say that, at best, he’s treating you like you’re on his B list, not his A list. The B list isn’t Read more…
“Yes! You need to fake it ’til you make it.”
The number-one thing I have learned from reviewing Alisa’s great information as well as reading these blog posts is the importance of being confident.
I’m confident in all aspects of my life EXCEPT for dating. I’m not sure why this is. As I’ve talked with both male and female friends, I’ve found this to be a common concern—which was nice to know. I also learned something that surprised me big time!
I talked to a girl who I thought was the epitome of confidence in dating. I expressed how impressed I was with her confidence, and she said, “Well, that’s mostly fake.”
This shocked me! And it taught me that people really can come across as confident even though they might not feel it.
As I have implemented the strategies and skills and worked toward the goal I have set, I see myself becoming more confident. Confident in myself. Confident in God—that He’ll bless me with the kind of relationship I’m looking for if I do my part. And confident in men—that they will pursue me if I play my role.
Alisa’s response: I love this because it is so true. People assume Read more…
“I didn’t get rejected—now what do I do?”—Q & A
Q—You came to our YSA conference in Portland, Oregon, recently. I enjoyed your workshop. I also did your 5-4-3-2-1 challenge (which included specific dating goals to try that night), but I had a problem. I ended up asking 5 girls for their number and didn’t get any rejections. Where do I go from here? I really want to practice the rejection plan you talked about.
A—To get more experience practicing the rejection plan, Read more…
“I’m not feeling a physical connection. What should I do?”
I’m going out with a guy who’s been a good friend for a while now. We have wonderful conversations, and I genuinely enjoy being around him. The only problem is that there doesn’t seem to be a good physical connection. I’m not sure if it’s because we are going from just being friends to trying to date or if there really just isn’t anything there. We were out the other night and it just felt awkward. I’m not sure if I should continue to go out with him to see if that will change or if it’s never going to.
Have any of you ever had this experience?
Alisa’s response: I suggest giving this new relationship up to Read more…
“I’m a ‘big’ girl and guys never ask me out.”
Q—I need help!! I was at the YSA conference a couple of weeks ago in Oregon. I was very interested in what you had to say about dating. I am 22 years old and have never been on a date. I blame this on my weight because I am a big girl. Women have always told me my hair or eyes are pretty or what a cute outfit, but never from a guy I like. I am in the process of taking better care of myself and losing weight through healthy eating and exercise. But I am sad that men have never shown any interest in me; well, maybe to be friends but never to date. I don’t really know how to flirt, and I try not to be, but I am very shy. When I do end up in a conversation with a guy it often revolves around work or other old boring topics, and both of us lose interest in the conversation. Anyway, I didn’t know if you had anymore advice you could give me, but I kinda need help. I practiced the phone number technique at the boat dance last Friday, and it ended up with “Joseph” saying, “see ya at volleyball on Thursday” instead of asking for my number. I can tell myself it’s just practice, but meeting guys as practice and never getting a date is getting pretty old.
Thank you so much for your dating lesson you gave and for everything you do for us singles.
A—Your weight can be a problem, especially if you are more than 40 pounds overweight. However, in many cases, a woman’s issues with her weight are not as much of the problem that prevents her from dating as the fact that she most likely stopped acting feminine long ago or stopped making men feel great (or never learned how to).
The fact of the matter is, as long as you are overweight, you expect rejection. Because you expect rejection, you don’t really put yourself out there. Because you hold back, you act like a pal, not a gal (to learn more, read this article), and, likewise, men feel less interested in you.
The solution is to take better care of yourself in all areas. Yes, start the process to lose weight now, but don’t base your femininity and confidence on your size. Instead, start really investing in your appearance, your femininity, and your ability to make men feel great. Act like a gal, not a pal. Look in the mirror and say something positive about your appearance every day. Build your faith in yourself, your future, the opposite sex, and God, and then start applying the dating techniques—they really work.
I have had many overweight dating-coach clients who’ve gotten married. You can too if you learn to feel great about yourself and make others feel great, too.
I hope this helps.
Good luck,
Alisa
“Now I’m dating two people. Thanks!”
I just wanted to share some dating success that I have had. I haven’t been to one of your workshops in a while now, but the advice I have gained from you has been so valuable! I see other guys making huge dating errors, like not reacting well when they’re rejected and thus losing out on future dating opportunities. I want to try to get the guys in my church group better trained in dating. However, I feel a little awkward saying that I have a dating coach because I guess I just feel like it makes me look incompetent or desperate or something.
Well, my dating success came from listening to your recommendations and by setting myself up as a social hub. I had more time this semester so I started trying to get our ward more socially united. I started holding social events—unofficial church activities—throughout the week. I went three or four weeks of doing something social pretty much every night.
The biggest problem I come across now is deciding whom I should continue to date. I’m currently dating two girls, but I’m very confused because I’m emotionally attached to one (whom I’ve been dating longer), but I am logically sold on the other girl. I am at least grateful that someone like me who is not the best looking guy in town (I wouldn’t say I’m unattractive by any means, though) can have so much dating success by implementing true principles!
P.S. I love your new website!!! I have struggled with the texting issue, so it’s good to get your insight!
Thanks again.
UtahsDatingCoach
Sarah
abigail
lili