Upcoming events
Q—I recently attended a singles’ ward activity in Salt Lake where you spoke, and I was very moved by your message. I have shared it with my friend Karen, and we have discussed it a great deal. She reads your webpage avidly.
She was the one pointed out to me your article, “Liars, cheaters, manipulators, beaters—Spot them in 3 dates or less.” We talked about the signs of an abusive relationship. We couldn’t help but notice that we each have a very important person in our life who shows all the signs of lacking personal responsibility—her brother, who doesn’t date, and one of my very closest friends, who does date (though he’s finding it to be less successful the more he straightens out). Both of these young men I honestly would have dated myself if not for this very reason of completely lacking personal responsibility.
Karen and I were wondering, how can we encourage the men we love—whether we date them or not—to take personal responsibility? Her brother and my friend struggle, we know, with personal and family issues, and just saying “get with the program” won’t be enough to change the results of years of problems.
But we also have hope for their futures and faith in their goodness. Noticing that they completely exemplify one of the three elements of a terrible person—or at least someone no one should never marry—was a bit of an alarm. How can we encourage, help, and cease to enable them?
Please advise.
A—First, I recommend that you learn more about the skills of empathy, self-control, and personal responsibility as outlined in chapters 1–5 and appendixes A and B of Dating Game Secrets for Marrying a Good Man to determine if these men just struggle in a few areas with personal responsibility or in most areas. That will determine if they are normal and just need to improve in some areas, or if they are truly impaired.
Either way, my advice is the same: Express your faith in them and trust that they will work their problems out. Don’t do for them what they should do for themselves. Show them you care without taking away the challenges they need to face. If they truly have the skills of personal responsibility, in time they will face the situation, ask for help, read books, or do what they have known all along that they need to do. If they don’t have personal responsibility, they will do nothing (and nothing you do or say will change that anyway).
In the end, the reality is that no one changes unless they want to. Showing faith in them is the best tool you can use. Sometimes people are just not ready, but when they are they can achieve anything.
I hope this helps. Good luck,
Alisa
A blind date made great
I do not pretend to have a talent for matchmaking, but I try to support those who make an effort on my behalf, especially when it’s a family member. This week someone made an effort. When I was first asked if I would be willing to go, I was more than willing. I really enjoy meeting new people and, granted, a blind date can be an awkward way to meet someone, but in the end it’s still a chance to make a new friend. So I was happy to say yes. As the date got closer, I became more hesitant and started worrying about how bad it could really be (I do have some horror stories about blind dates). But when I started to think about all this, I remembered all that I have learned from Alisa and this program. I reminded myself that this was practice and a great opportunity to make him feel great about himself.
The date came, and though there was some awkwardness at first, by the end of the date we were just talking and laughing. We made all sorts of connections, and even though I don’t think we’ll go out again, I think we both left feeling good.
Do any of you have positive blind-date stories?
“What’s wrong with me? I can’t get a second date.”
Q—You give a lot of advice about dating in the first six weeks, but I can’t seem to get a second date even when the first date goes well. For example, I met a guy at a party about a month ago. He got my number from a mutual friend, and we went out a couple of weeks ago and things went well. He even sent me a follow-up text saying how much he enjoyed it. I suggested we do it again soon and he replied for sure. But two weeks later and not a word. I know that two weeks isn’t a long time, but I have a feeling I won’t be hearing from him. This seems to be a pattern for me. I tell myself that things will work out with the right guy, and I have been dating and flirting with other guys, but I still feel like I’m doing something wrong. I’m afraid to even hope for a second date since my experience has proven otherwise, and I worry that my negative feelings and doubts are somehow sensed by guys even without my seeing or talking to them. What do I do? How do I get to a second date? Should I
forget about Mr. Two Weeks Ago?
A—There’s a lot you can do to encourage dates, and my first book, Dating Game Secrets for Marrying a Good Man, and my upcoming book, Still Single? It’s Not You—It’s Your Technique, would definitely help.
However, whether you are a man or a woman, I often suggest in these situations that the individual get some frank feedback from others about what they might be doing to turn others off. If you don’t trust the feedback of others, I suggest you give me a call and we schedule an appointment.
A little direction might go a long way in helping you get and keep attention.
Good luck,
Alisa
Q—I wonder if you could give me your advice on something. I’ve been e-mailing a guy who I met through another friend online. We’ve exchanged about 4-5 emails, and I’ve found that we don’t have a lot in common. However, he is the perfect match for my sister, who would actually be interested in communicating with him. First, is it appropriate to tell him that my sister has similar interests and see if he would want to talk to her? If so, what would be a good way to approach it with him?
A—Saying it just the way you said it above would be perfect. As long as you act warm and respectful, you need to trust that he’s a man and, as such, is strong and competent. He can handle rejection. He will be fine. Furthermore, you are obviously telling him that you think a lot of him if you are willing to set him up with your sister. He may not take you up on your offer, but hopefully he will still feel your respect.
Good luck,
Alisa
Nurturing a relationship over the phone
I like him. I like him a lot. In fact, I love him. So how did I go from feeling so unsure and hollow to feeling like it clicked all of a sudden? I’m not sure, but I think part of it deals with removing the pressure of having to feel something and having to know what the future will bring. As mentioned before, I was freaking out that I wasn’t feeling that overwhelming “X-factor,” and I was concerned that I didn’t have overwhelming clarity. But as I relaxed and invested in it, a beautiful friendship flourished and I couldn’t be happier. Do I have a clear picture of the future? Nope. But I like where it is, and I like where it’s going. The end.
But here’s a question: I’m traveling for work the next month, and I’m wondering, what are some effective ways to nourish a relationship while you’re apart? How do you feel about having structured things to talk about on the phone? How can you sacrifice while not being physically present? How can you get to know someone really well over the phone?
Thoughts? Suggestions?
Well, I’m out for now. I look forward to your thoughts.
Thanks, Lili
Alisa’s response
It’s important that you remember Secret #15 to the Male Psychology—Men bond through doing activities and through talking about things more than they do through talking about people, problems, feelings, or ideas.
So as you build a relationship over the phone, it may be wise to talk about the things you’re doing, the things you want to do together, your goals, dreams, or ambitions, the places you have visited, new ideas, books, or concepts you are learning about, politics, or religion 60 percent of the time. Then spend about 20 percent of the time talking about people and problems and 20 percent of the time talking about feelings and ideas. He needs the lighter conversations just as you need the deeper conversations. This general formula for building relationships should, therefore, work for both of you.
I hope this helps,
Alisa
Please note, if you don’t have a copy of “The 17 Secrets to the Male and Female Psychology,” you can get one by subscribing to weekly e-mail updates in the right column.
Alisa,
I was talking with a friend about this. After having asked out a number of gals, it’s been my observation that if the date doesn’t take place within a two-week period, it never takes place. By that time the spark has died out or they’ve met someone else, so timing is crucial. I’m wondering if you agree with this theory.
—John
John,
Yes. For the most part, I agree. There are several reasons this is the case.
The timing and the way in which a man pursues a woman says a lot about how interested he is, and her response reveals the same as well.
For example, a man who calls between two to seven days from the time he gets a woman’s number sends the message that he is excited enough about seeing her that he wants to take action more immediately (i.e. she’s on his A list). In like manner, a woman who returns his call in 20 minutes to 2 hours shows the same.
However, a man who calls two weeks after getting her number, or a woman who returns a man’s call several days later is saying that he/she is not excited to talk with the other person (i.e., they see the person as being on their B list). The longer a woman puts a man off for a date (unless she’s going out of town), the more he can rightfully assume that she probably sees him as more of a friend than a romantic interest, etc., etc.
Thus, if a man or woman is really interested, it’s best to communicate this interest by calling and returning calls in a timely manner and attempting to set a date within the next week or two at the latest. This is a general rule of thumb and, of course, circumstances can sometimes impede this process, but lets be real—when a person is really excited about someone they find a way to fit in a breakfast, lunch, or evening date somewhere.
That being said, there is no shame in going on a few dates with someone who plays their part, invests, and participates but acts less excited than you desire. These dates are still opportunities to practice techniques, make the other person feel great, and have fun. Additionally, a person who is on a B list can transition to the other person’s A list, especially after a great date.
I hope this helps. Good luck,
Alisa
“Why do I jump right into relationships?”
Q—I’m one who tends to jump right into relationships and then finds herself in trouble. Why do I do that, and how do I avoid it?
A—There are many reasons why some singles do this. Often, it’s because they fear being alone. Perhaps these articles will help:
Liars, cheaters, manipulators, beaters—Spot them in three dates or less
Chemistry—What is it and how do I recognize it?
I hope these articles clarify what you’re doing wrong and how you can change this pattern. You would also be wise to create a top-ten list, click here to learn how.
Good luck,
Alisa
How do I escape the texting trap?
I have one question this week: How do I get out of the texting trap?
It’s driving me crazy. Guys won’t call me—they’ll just text me. It seems like such a cop-out to me. Should I just chill out about it, ignore their texts, or politely ask them to call? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!
Thanks, Sarah
Alisa’s response
I thought the best way to respond was with an excerpt from my upcoming book, click here to read it: To text or not to text.
To text or not to text?
I’m often asked by men and women, “What’s the best way to manage texting?”
A majority of women have a strong opinion on the subject. Here’s an excerpt from my upcoming book, Still Single? It’s Not You—It’s Your Technique, with specific advice for both men and women.
“Men—Most single women agree that when texting or e-mailing is the primary form of communication, it makes a woman feel less secure about your interest in her and consequently leaves her less attracted to and interested in you.
“Brief texts Read more…
Hi, friends! I have loved the community we’ve built on this website. Your support and experiences have enriched my life.
This week I just had one quick thought I wanted to throw out to see if you’ve had the same experiences.
Have you ever been on just one or two dates with someone and felt like you walked away a better person from that experience?
There are many people I’ve met as I’ve put myself out there a bit who truly have changed my life. Sometimes I feel like the fact that I’m not in a relationship means that I’m failing at these techniques or that I’m not quite the person I need to be. However, lately I’ve been feeling the opposite. I’m realizing that I’ve been given the chance to associate with a lot of incredible people, help make them feel great, and be treated respectfully in return.
Dating is given a bad rap in most instances, and we each have war stories we can contribute to support that idea. But today I just want to say thank you to those men who have taken me out, treated me well, and who’ve gone on to find someone else. Your examples of kindness and humor have shaped my life. So I dedicate this post to the men out there who I’ve only spent a few hours with—those precious few hours have helped me find my way.
UtahsDatingCoach
Sarah
abigail
lili