As a dating coach I often have to level with people about why they aren’t dating the people they really want to date and what it’s going to take to get the relationships they want.

10 reasons why you’re not dating the people you want to date

Provided below are 10 common reasons singles aren’t dating the people they want to date. The links below are provided for Lasting Love Academy members to learn how to break these patterns. Log in or join today.

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1. You’re NOT pursuing the people you really want to date. Instead of taking action and flirting or pursuing a conversation or telephone number you’re letting your fears get in the way and stop you.

2. You lack knowledge about what to do or say to get more attention and dates.

3. You’re not taking action or going where other singles are.

4. You’re acting passive in dating so the relationships you get into you’re not passionate about and while in them you feel consumed with doubts or worries about settling.

5. You’re waiting for the best option to appear and acting like a window shopper or a browser in your relationships (instead of a buyer). This leaves you wandering from one shop (or relationship) to another worrying about missing something better. In the end you never buy (or love deeply), you just keep shopping (and losing love).

6. You’re trying to date people who are more attractive and accomplished than you are so you’re experiencing frequent rejection.

7. You’re making excuses and engaging in thinking errors that are driving others away.

8. You feel inadequate or insecure and so you doubt that you can get or deserve more from your relationships.

9. You keep dating the bad boy or toxic girl or wasting your time giving the best of you to those who don’t invest in you.

10. You don’t realize that you’re misreading social interaction and as such triggering rejection.

If you are successful in getting the first date but not second dates, you’ll be interested in discovering Why Men Back Off and Why Women Reject Men.

To use the links above you need to get access into the Lasting Love Academy. Log in or join today.

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10 reasons you’re not sustaining relationships or feeling strong emotional connections

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As a dating coach I often have to level with people about why they keep cycling through relationships.

The links below are provided for Lasting Love Academy members to learn how to break these patterns. Log in or join today.

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1. You struggle with an anxious or avoidant attachment style that causes you to get attached quickly, become anxious about the relationship, and then act in a way that creates pressure on the relationship or that causes you to feel disconnected, pressure, and indifferent about the relationship so you jump quickly out of the relationship.

2. You engage in common thinking errors that feed anxiety, doubt, disconnection, avoidance behavior, indiference, and passiveness.

3. You are excessively available, accomodating, or too nice, which keeps your partner from investing and sacrificing so they take you for granted, feel less respect for you, and question the strength of their attraction to you.

4. You aren’t communicating your feelings and needs and so you suffer in silence rather than confronting issues. In time your anxiety becomes unbearable and you either start nagging or threaten to break up.

5. The relationship has become something you think you should maintain rather than being something you want. You start doing the bare minimum in the relationship not realizing that doing things because you should makes the relationship less attractive and keeps you from taking responsibility and being active in the relationship. Until you get in touch with what you want and value or what is a priority and important to you, you will remain passive and struggle with committing.

6. You see feelings as only being real when they happen naturally and aren’t forced. You see a lack of passion, love, connection, excitement, or attraction as a sign that the relationship is wrong rather than realizing anxiety, pressure, overanalyzing and being passive impair your ability to experience positive, spontaneous emotions. Until you learn to address these underlying issues your emotions will continue to be impaired.

7. You struggle with doubts about your attraction to your partner or fear that you could do better. Thus, you worry (when you find others attractive, think about your ex, or see unattractive qualities in your partner) that you won’t be able to feel satisfied in the relationship.

8. You keep dating the wrong kinds of people, because these relationships feel more emotionally intense and connected. You don’t understand the difference between healthy chemisty and addictive chemistry.

9. You don’t know how to identify the early warning signs and so you get attached and then later discover that the person is abusive, manipulative, dishonest, or addicted.

10. You aren’t being vulnerable enough to deepen the emotional connection and/or you’re not being available, responsive, and emotionally engaged enough to create and maintain a secure attachment.

All this advice is just a drop in the bucket of what I have available for you in the Lasting Love Academy.  

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4 ways to learn more

  • Schedule a free 30-minute consultation

    Alisa Goodwin Snell is a dating and relationship coach who spent 17 years as a marriage and family therapist. She’s written 7 books for singles, created numerous audios, videos, and articles, is a popular public speaker, and has been on over 100 TV and radio programs nationwide. Learn more.

  • Get Stage 0, which will lay a foundation for you to move forward

  • Get the Relationship Package (if you are already in a relationship) so you can lay a more solid foundation while also learning how to enhance your current relationship
  • Get Everything, because you are not currently in a relationship and need to learn how to lay a solid foundation and navigate all 5 stages of the dating process.
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