The 17 Secrets to the Male and Female Psychology

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    Alisa Goodwin Snell is a dating and relationship coach who spent 17 years as a marriage and family therapist. She’s written 7 books for singles, created numerous audios, videos, and articles, is a popular public speaker, and has been on over 100 TV and radio programs nationwide. Learn more.

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Male Psychology

  1. Men seek out relationships that make them feel trusted and respected.
  2. Men love through sacrifice.
  3. Men are largely logical about their relationships and commitment. Thus, they do not commit easily to things they have not invested in over a period of time.
  4. Men are driven to succeed, face challenges, compete, and conquer.
  5. Men like women who like themselves.
  6. Men love to be heroes.
  7. Men like being appreciated.
  8. Men like femininity.
  9. Men like women who have opinions and assert their needs.
  10. Men pursue women who are approachable and appear to be available.
  11. Good men want sex with a woman who feels good about having sex with them and will wait until marriage (out of respect for her or their values).
  12. Men need to be needed.
  13. Men are repelled by criticism, nagging, and whining.
  14. A man experiences anxiety in every conversation a woman initiates until she tells him what she wants him to do.
  15. Men bond through doing activities and talking about things more than they do through talking about people, problems, feelings, or ideas.
  16. Men adore women who give them love, attention, and affection.
  17. Men are often willing to talk openly and honestly, when they feel it will help them or another person.

Snell, Alisa Goodwin, L.M.F.T. (2008) Dating Game Secrets for Marrying a Good Man. Bonneville Books, Springville, UT.

Female Psychology

  1. Women thrive when they feel safe and secure.
  2. Women love through sacrifice but need a man to communicate his needs if that sacrifice is to be helpful rather than hurtful or over-responsible.
  3. Women read into a man’s behavior, get excited, assume commitment, and then get hurt when he pulls away due to the added pressure.
  4. Women are critical of their bodies and fear competition from other women.
  5. Women are attracted to strength and confidence.
  6. Women are turned off by men who are too nice.
  7. Women often fall in love with friends.
  8. Women like to be pursued and to feel wanted.
  9. Women enjoy touch, kissing, and affection but feel vulnerable and prone to shame after sexual contact.
  10. Women want men who hold off sexually. It makes a woman feel respected and wanted rather than feeling like an object.
  11. Women want immediate relationships but trust and value slow-progressing relationships.
  12. Women long to feel adored.
  13. Women are repelled by moping, brooding, and the silent treatment.
  14. Women worry. They need to know they are not alone in dealing with the problems of the relationship.
  15. Women who don’t trust and respect their men fall out of love, especially if there is no communication.
  16. Women like gifts, surprises, reasonable spontaneity, and excitement. The extra effort makes them feel special.
  17. Women would rather have open and honest communication about misdeeds than to be protected from the truth.

7 thoughts on “The 17 Secrets to the Male and Female Psychology

    • Hi. I just posted this thread reply at Blogspot but seeing as this article is on this website as well, I’ll carry on and post it here too. I’ve added some more text to the original post.

      As a 30 year old man with several close male friends whom I discuss relationships with women with I can comfortably state that #11 in your Male Psychology isn’t usually true, unless in with very relgious men, or men who have a sexual disinterest. Most, if not all men who I have talked to seek out relationships with women whom they can have a good sex life with, and then later decide to carry on with the relationship, and eventually marry (or not). This is because men are very visual human beings. When they see a woman, they think about them as not only in respect to them being a person, but also how good they ‘imagine’ their sex life will be with them and will usually try to persue that as soon as comfortably possible for both people. In very religous cases, especially in old tradition it has been said men will wait until marriage. This is not the case today in most societies in the world. If the man does not ‘go for it’ on the first or second date, he’s probably not interested.

      • I’m glad that you expressed this opinion here. It gives me a chance to clarify. Yes! I definitely work with a somewhat to very religious population. The men I work with are strong Christians who adhere to a moral value system that believes sex outside of marriage is immoral and displeases God. Thus, they work hard to live and date in a way that avoids sexual contact and pornography. It is a struggle for them because they are natural men with natural desires to have sex (just as it can be hard for the women, who also desire sexual contact), but through years of avoiding sexual movies and even avoiding masturbation they find it not only possible, but emotionally and spiritually rewarding.

        That being said, not everyone who adheres to this goal keeps it perfectly. Some sexual contact (not sex, but inappropriate touching) does occur for some. When it does these men and women tend to pull back to avoid more contact and they will even talk to their church leaders for support and to avoid more problems. In this way, many (but not all) of these men and women succeed in abstaining from sex until marriage. They feel that they do this both for God and for the health and spiritual strength of their relationship. They feel it is a sacrifice for the good of all, including their children.

        They believe that sacrifice is crucial to long term and eternal happiness. These beliefs reflect my values as well and so all of the advice I give in the area of sexual interaction when dating is focused on avoiding sexual contact. Although many singles may choose to ignore this advice, I know from personal experience that it is possible to avoid sexual contact and that when two people sacrifice personal and temporary sexual drives for the greater good of the relationship and for each other they begin their marriage in a better place. It also prevents sexually transmitted diseases, unplanned pregnancies, and later regrets if a relationship does not work out.

        That being said, many will want to shoot back an argument that if you don’t have sex before marriage how can you know if you will have good sex after marriage. I have been a marriage and family therapist for 17 years and I know first hand accounts of couples who had hot and heavy sex before marriage who rarely have sex after marriage. Sexual satisfaction in marriage hinges on mutual respect, care, understanding, and investment in each other. If both parties have empathy, self-control, and personal responsibility and are committed to each other, they will see the feelings and sexual needs of their partner as important and valid. If they have personal responsibility before marriage and sexual issues develop after marriage they will seek advice, read books, and work on the problem until it is resolved. If they have self-control before marriage (which these couples work hard to have) they will exercise self-control and appropriate boundaries with others after marriage, thus increasing fidelity and the chances that they won’t do or say things after marriage that will harm the other person (and/or their sexual relationship).

        So my advice, in many ways, flies in the face of modern trends of sex and dating. But conservative values have worked for generations and, even in our modern world, those who are committed to such conservative values will find others who are the same. I primarily focus on this population and have just as many male clients who seek me out as female clients. The approach works for them and their values.

        That being said, I believe most men are willing to put off sexual desires and needs when they are really crazy about the person they are dating. I have worked with many singles who were not religious but respected their partner’s religious beliefs. Some men won’t waste their time unless they think they can get sex, but often these men are not really focused on settling down with the right kind of person. When a man is really into a woman and wants to be with her (not just her body) he will wait.

        Also, many men will sleep around but when it comes time to marry they want to be with a woman who has not slept around. Thus, women with high moral standards are often seen as more desirable, trustworthy, and marriage worthy than those who are quick to go to bed.

        When creating the 17 Secrets to the Male and Female Psychology, I struggled with what position to take on this point, since I knew there would be many singles who would argue that men aren’t willing to wait. In the end I decide to take a position of having more faith in the goodness and sincere intentions of men, more faith in their willingness to sacrifice their needs for the well-being of others or the relationship, and more faith in their ability to have self-control. And I have seen an abundance of evidence of men who do just that.

        Thank you again for your comments. I’m glad to clarify my position, where I am coming from, and why I believe and teach the things I do.

        I wish you the best. Let me know if I can help you find the kind of relationship you would be willing to sacrifice deeply for. I’d love for you to find the joy and peace these men have found through their sacrifices.


        Alisa Goodwin Snell

  • Alisa,thank you so much for your healing responce. I am a Muslim and I hold the same view and faith of keeping self from sex untill marriage. I am thirty something, still a virgin, I struggle, but I know this is for the peace and happiness of my soul and body in this life and in the eternity. Thanks.

    • I’m happy to be of help. My dating system is very much a faith-based program that support values and waiting until marriage. I think you will find that it is in alignment with your values. Let me know if I can be of more help.


  • Hi Alisa, this was a very good post. I enjoyed it. The way you express your professional expertise is very clarifying and up to date. I am a physical therapist and had an experience with one of my patients who is a professor of Psychology, Philosophy and History. (We are not talking about religion here) he told me one of his case studies involving one of his clients, a man in his late 40, who became a widower and did not remarry to bring up his daughter without the suffering and conflicts of stepmothehood, on reaching 18, the girl now a university student is leading a very sexual live as a plan to experiment as many as possible so as to find the right person to marry. The father gets stressed with suchbehaviour and after heated unsuccessful arguments with his daughter decides to search prophessional help, consults with my patient who gave this father a very simple advise ” just tell her to continue showing to them the type of woman no man will want to marry” I don’t need to tell men or women what the result of this advise was, because deep inside even those persons who want to appear that a strong relationship Is all about sex WOULD NOT marry a person who they know has been sleeping around and I tell you, you don’t need to be religious for that. I have friends who are not religious at all and they will tell any one the same.

    Let me take one of Michael’s expressions ” if a man does not go for it on the first or second date he is probably not interested.” He is absolutely right! As a woman I say that such a man is very selfish unconsiderate of my feelings, is all about him, i would not want any relationship with such person and my male friends ( not the girls, these told me to play him up or mock him) would definitely advise me to get out of it. I am expressing their thoughts not what I think they would say (did some investigating). 30 year old men want to settle down with a woman who know how to care for their needs, is reliable and trustworthy and they don’t mean someone who does not tell a lie here they mean sexual loyalty. Would you produce a family with the girl next door who you knew is everybody’s body even if you knew she had the best sex in the town? If you are in your 30, I personally dought it or then you will let me dought something else about you! Would your best friend advise you to go ahead with such project? I wouldn’t trust such friend if he did! No man would! No Michael, you wouldn’t! For the sake of your parents!

    If we were living in such degrading society the divorse rates would be shooting up,married couples would be divorcing after 2 or 3 years of being married and the remarry just to get divorced again as they would burn out their passion for each other and the only way to solve it would be to find someone else to start all over again and again, and again. That would produce an unhappy and unsatisfied society, in what relates to family life and love relationships. We would be living ina liquid love society (Zygmunt Bauman’s book ” Liquid Love”) one that takes love a a discarding, trivial thing. Is that not the same as taking life trivially, if not where does the difference lay?

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