Unfortunately, like many other women, it was difficult to discern the source of this attention. I questioned what exactly drew men to me—was it my potential sexuality, or was there something else about being a woman that attracted them?
Society (friends, TV, magazines, etc.) pushed messages suggesting that:
- to keep a man’s attention I would need to resort to low-curt shirts, sexual conversations, and loose moral standards
- if I failed to give a man what he desired he would abandon me
- if I resisted playing to the power of my sexuality, I would get less immediate and intense results from men
Consequently, I worried that if I trusted solely in my natural feminine qualities to draw men to me, I would be lonely in the end.
Had I known then what I came to discover as a marriage and family therapist and dating coach, I wouldn’t have feared rejection. I would have instead moved forward with greater confidence in the power of my femininity alone (soft curves, gentle touch, vulnerability, loving tone, kind words, and the ability to make men feel great) to bring out the natural goodness of men and to elicit their attention, interest, and investment.
As a dating coach I now refer to these gained insights into the nature of men as the “17 Secrets to the Male Psychology.”
You, too, can discover the power of your femininity to motivate men, but first you must understand:
- Men seek out relationships that make them feel trusted and respected (secret #1 to the male psychology)
- Men develop love through sacrifice—theirs not yours (secret #2)
- Men are driven to compete, face challenges, succeed, and conquer (secret #4)
- Men like women who like themselves (secret #5)
- Men like to be heroes (secret #6)
- Men like being appreciated (secret #7)
- Men like femininity (secret #8)
- Men like women who have opinions and assert their needs (secret #9)
- Men pursue women who are approachable and available (secret #10)
- Men need to be needed (secret #12)
Once you understand a man’s need for the above (especially their need to be needed), you will then begin to comprehend what femininity (your willingness to be vulnerable, to ask for his help, to express your opinions, and to allow him to fulfill your needs) means to him: it says that you need and trust him, which compels him to give the best of himself to you.
You can rely on your femininity to get a man to ask for your number if you simply:
- Smile at him from across the room
- Touch him gently on the arm when he approaches you
- Express sincere and heartfelt gratitude when he offers to help you
- Tell him what you like and need in a trusting way
- Lean forward as you talk to him
- Play with a pen or jewelry as you smile at him
- Laugh as you listen to him
- Touch him on the arm at the high point of the conversation, smile and say, “I’ve got to go. I would like to have gotten to know you better. I’d love you to call me some time,” trusting that if he’s interested, he’ll stop you to ask for your number. Smile again and then start to walk confidently away
Whether he asks for you number or not, you can leave the situation confident that you look great in his eyes and left him feeling great too.
Engaging in these feminine acts fulfills a man’s deeper psychological needs, leaves him with a challenge, and creates a desire for him to take action. The more he sacrifices by asking for your number, calling you, investing time in you, paying for the dates, and treating you great, the deeper his connection to you becomes (see the list of secrets again).
Once in a relationship, your ongoing femininity, appreciation for his efforts, and moral standards make you and the relationship seem increasingly more valuable. As you continue to ask for and encourage his help while sharing your needs, he feels even more successful because you exhibit your trust in and need for him. The fact that his efforts make you happy only strengthens his confidence and increases his ability to commit.
In these ways, your feminine power becomes the tool by which a man learns to look beyond himself and love it (and you for it). By contrast, had you resorted to sexuality to secure his attention, you would have sadly discovered that without sacrifice, investment, and selflessness, the relationship would not only have been meaningless to him but boring as well. You would also have made yourself vulnerable to the worst of men: those who will not invest in a woman without a commitment of sexual contact in return. Thus, femininity—with a healthy dose of boundaries—weeds out the jerks from the gems.
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Alisa Goodwin Snell is a dating and relationship coach who spent 17 years as a marriage and family therapist. She’s written 7 books for singles, created numerous audios, videos, and articles, is a popular public speaker, and has been on over 100 TV and radio programs nationwide. Learn more.
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