Q—After two months of dating, she seems to be emotionally closed.  I am confused because one moment she is willing to hold my hands on the date, but later on, she appears to not want to hold hands.  I would really like to directly communicate with her by saying, “ I have had a great time dating you over the last two months.  I have enjoyed our dates.  I would like to continue to date you, and continue to get to know you better.  I am not sure, however, if you feel the same way.  How do you feel about it?”

It seems the failure in her previous relationships were that the guys never communicated directly to find out if they were on the same page with her.

Given the situation as it now stands, do you have any recommendations?

A—One general principle of the dating-coach program is – If in doubt, spell it out. I suggest that you either ask her (during your next date) “When you like a guy, how do you show him?” (which gives you a barometer to judge her  behavior with you) or you say, “I really enjoy dating you. I can never tell however, if a woman wants me to continue asking her out unless she calls me out of the blue ever once in a while, tells me how much she enjoys seeing me, tries to fit me in for a mid-week date, returns my calls quickly, or expresses how she feels (just examples, replace these examples with ones that would be meaningful for you). Those things go a long way in encouraging my efforts.” Then pause to see if she says anything.

This technique avoids the “define the relationship” question and gives her a clear message about what you need to see from her if you are to proceed forward in dating her. If she says little, change the subject or (if the date is at an end), tell her you would like to call her in the next week or so. Follow up with one more date two weeks later so there is no confusion that you really like her.

She will either make her interest known (with increased investment, which is what you really need) or she won’t (she may even come right out and tell you she isn’t interested – if this happens, keep your chin forward and say, “I love a woman who is honest and direct. Thank you for treating me well. I am confident that you feel I have done the same. Good luck.” Then walk away repeating in your mind, “The kind of woman I am looking for would appreciate me and invest in me.”).

I hope this helps.
Alisa

Category:
2 - Flirting & Pursuing, 4 - Avoid Common traps, 5 - The first six weeks of dating

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