“He’s hot and then cold” —Q&A

Q—I have been on several dates (at least 10) with this guy over the past 6 months. He tends to get into this pattern of asking me out on quite a few dates within a shorter time period (maybe a month), and then I don’t hear from him for about 2 months. Then he starts asking me out again and we go out a lot, then once again he stops asking me out. We get along great on the dates and seem to hit if off. I am getting very frustrated with him being so hot and cold with his interest in me. I value his friendship and would love to continue dating him. What do you think I should do?

A—My advice to you is to assume he is not interested in you as more than just an occasional fun date. Flirt with and date others, and if he calls and you want a fun night with him, go, but do not allow yourself to think about him or get excited about him. Unfortunately, he is not that into you, and you need to be honest with yourself about this.

If he kisses you when you get together this will be even more hurtful to accept because in some ways he is actually treating you as a good-for-now girl. If this is the case, tell him you don’t want to see him anymore unless he starts pursuing you consistently (being a good-for-now girl is a waste of your time and an insult).

To get him to act more consistently, you can also use this technique. After the next date (wait until he invests in seeing you before using this technique), say to him, “I really love spending time with you and would love to see you more often. I just thought you should know that because we don’t get together very often, I have been assuming that you see me as just a fun friend to spend time with on occasion. If this assumption isn’t correct and you consider me more than just a fun friend let me know.” Then smile and change the subject.

If he sees you as more he will bring it up and tell you so. When he does bring it up, be sure to state, “I’m sorry I read that wrong. I just can’t tell that someone is really interested in me unless they call and take me out regularly and over a period of weeks and months. It seemed that we were just going out so sporadically that I had to assume you weren’t that interested.” This tells him what you need in order to believe that he really likes you. Also this technique helps you to focus on declaring your thoughts rather than asking him how he feels about you. Define-the-relationship conversations add a lot of pressure and often make the other person look more needy. By declaring your thoughts you look more confident while leaving them with a clear message of what they can do from hear to define their feelings (or lack their of because they don’t do anything).

I hope this helps. Sorry if the advice also hurt. You deserve to be treated like an A-list woman, and you can if you don’t waste your time with guys who treat you as less than that (i.e., meaning a good-for-now girl—an occasional fun date is no insult).

Good luck,

2 thoughts on ““He’s hot and then cold” —Q&A

  • May I as a guy offer another possibility here. I guess I have been guilty of sending mixed signals like this woman is receiving. But it has little to do with the woman. In my case other things in my life have so stressed me out, that I have gone for a few weeks at a time where I was sure I would be a terrible date. When the stress eases up, I have more energy and confidence to date. I know the stress won’t last forever, and the day will come when my life is more settled and I can show the woman I care about the attention she deserves.

    • Your response makes sense and many guys do this very thing–wait until a good time and then pursue–but if you continue this approach you will find that the women lose interest in you. Slow and steady wins the race. Make sure you always stay invested and connected even when busy or you can’t and won’t create a secure emotional attachment for her or you. I am glad you made your comment, because lots of men do the same and needed to hear this advice as well. Best wishes, Alisa

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