Alisa, I’ve been dating a guy who seems to sabotage all of his relationships. He’s quite a flirt, and he wanted to kiss on our first date. I explained to him that getting so much into the physical aspect of a relationship in the beginning has turned me off and I eventually lose interest. I said there needs to be a good foundation of friendship.
What I’ve been wondering is if I am right that he sabotages his relationships . . . out of fear of losing someone else again that he really cares about? Do you think this is possible? How would you recommend I handle this situation? I was thinking I should not answer when he calls next—not let him think I’m at his beck and call. And maybe make sure I have my next weekend all filled up. Make him want to “chase” me more. I’m not planning on making any kind of contact with him till he does. Is that wise?
Then again, maybe doing that will make it harder for him to ask me out again because he’ll worry that I’m not the committed type and that he could get hurt. I don’t know! Can you tell? I’m so confused!!
Alisa’s response: I think your communication shows a lot of maturity. If he is a mature guy with sincere intentions in really getting to know you and develop a relationship with you, he probably won’t have an issue with any of the things you’ve written about. As far as worrying about his issues, give that to him and God. They will work those out. Just trust that if he is interested he will pursue you (which is what is best for both of you). Encourage this by being warm and inviting but not overly available (i.e., don’t make plans less than 24 hours in advance, preferably 48 hours; do this by saying, “I’m sorry. I’d love to see you but I already have plans tonight. How about another night this week?”) rather than playing hard to get and acting unavailable all week (which just confuses men because it often looks cold and rejecting).
I hope this answers your question.