“I’m doing all the talking. Is that all right? If not, what should I do?”

I didn’t meet my goal. I didn’t say, “I’ve got to go, but I’d really love you to call me sometime.” Sigh. Last week I was on such a high; this week I feel like I had no progression at all toward my goals. I will keep that as my goal for this week and hopefully I will have a great story for you next week!!

I have one quick question that I’ve always wondered about but didn’t know how to ask it or to whom to ask. But I now have Alisa as a resource since she’s the source of all dating knowledge and wisdom. I’m a talker and have a hard time with silence. For example, when I’m on dates and the guy isn’t initiating conversation, I have no problem doing that. It’s easy for me to keep the conversation going. My question is this: Is it a bad thing that I maintain conversation, or should I be letting the guy take charge?

The reason I ask is because I’ve noticed in a couple of movies lately that the women just stayed quiet and let the guy worry about what to say, and I wondered if this was something I should be doing as well.

Does this question make sense to anyone else? Is it something I should worry about or just disregard?



Alisa’s response:

Here’s an excerpt from my It’s Not You—It’s Your Technique manual in answer to this question:

“Let him enjoy silence and calm from time to time. Whereas silence often makes women feel anxious, men can feel bonded and connected in silence. They even appreciate it.

“If you respond to silence by anxiously talking or entertaining him nonstop, you will tire and exhaust him, especially if you do this during movies. Instead, do your part, make a good-faith effort, start a conversation, lean forward, ask him questions, share something about yourself, and then from time to time lean back and wait to see what he does. Men need the opportunity to invest and to work for the conversation too. It makes a man value and appreciate you more when he strains and sacrifices to build a connection or to get to know you better. So do not deny him or yourself this opportunity.

“When you lean back, keep your body language open, tilt your head, wear a smile, gently play with a pen, jewelry, or your hair, or slowly tap your foot up and down. Doing these things will help you relax while also making you look feminine, confident, and interested in him. Wait five minutes. He will bring something up, ask a question, or make a suggestion. When he does, respond fully. However, if he doesn’t after five minutes, start the conversation again to show him you are not disengaging and making him do all the work. Try the technique again later to discover if he will work to keep the conversation going. If each time you experience silence he never says anything, then he is not really trying to invest and sacrifice for you or the relationship. It’s better that this passive, disengaged, and irresponsible approach to relationships is exposed now.”

I hope this helps. Good luck,



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5 thoughts on ““I’m doing all the talking. Is that all right? If not, what should I do?”

  • Can we delve a little more into why we should play with our hair, pen, or jewelry? How will this make us look feminine?

    When I am imagining this in my head, all I am seeing is ‘ditzy’. It seems that many guys will compliment women on not being like all the other girls out there, and this is one of the things they mention — when a woman acts normal and intelligent instead of ditzy. I say ‘normal’, because I would not naturally play with my hair in front of a guy, especially if I was trying to impress them. It doesn’t feel normal to me. I have long hair, and I am imagining myself trying to reach over my shoulder or around my back, groping around trying to snag an end, hee hee. I’m thinking it would not look awesome 😉

    I don’t wear jewelry, so for now that one’s out. And I can just imagine whipping a pen out at a dance or at dinner, somewhere you wouldn’t normally have a pen — that would just look funny 🙂

    I’m not trying to criticize; I just want to understand what the reasons are behind this, what the goal is, and how it will help me. If I understand those things, I might be able to find something similar that is natural/normal for me.

    • Yes. Something similar, but is normal for you, would work. The point is to do anything you normally do but do it a little slower. When you brush hair from your face brush it away a little slower or when you talk with your hands, move them a little slower. You don’t have to play with your hair or jewelry incessantly but if you casually tug on an earring for a second and then move your hand away you will tilt you head for a moment while in many ways making yourself look alluring. Do this while expressing an opinion, respectfully disagreeing, or telling him about the things you do and enjoy. Men like women who like themselves (secret #5) and who have opinions and assert their needs (secret #9). Men also like femininity (secret #8). Doing these things can incorporate all three. Men also bond through doing activities and talking about things more than they do through talking about people, problems, feelings, or ideas (secret #15), which is one reason men like women who can relax and have fun with them.

      Does this help?

  • Thanks; that does help me understand how to use my existing ‘self’ rather than trying to change who I am.

    Bonding through doing things is kind of difficult for women! Is the idea that we do that, trusting that the emotional bonding will come later? For me specifically, I am fortunate in that physical touch is an incredibly important way of bonding for me, and that is a lot easier for most men than bonding through talking about feelings. But physical touch comes much later in relationships, so it makes sense that a lot of the initial bonding would be through doing things.

    • Between the fourth and sixth week, men need to bond emotionally with women or women will start to loose interest. If a woman pushes this too soon and shares too much too early, however, he will feel pressure and lose interest. Thus, doing things and activities is great to focus on for the first few weeks. I hope this helps.


      • This is really great, because it’s just a TIMING issue! I think that for myself, after the first or second week, I’d think “oh no, he’s not bonding emotionally – he’s not the right guy for me.” But all I’d need to do is just HOLD ON a little bit!

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