Most of the dating advice I provide in my dating system, audios, and videos applies as much to a widow(er) as it does to anyone else you’re dating.
It’s important to remember that widow(er)s are still men and women. Nevertheless, widow(er)s often have some unique challenges and issues that you need to be aware of.
Welcome to the Lasting Love Academy!
How will Laying a solid foundation (Stage 0) help you?
Do you find yourself doing most of the work in your relationships? Do you struggle to express your feelings, needs, or opinions? Do you analyze and worry about the best way to handle situations? Are you primarily concerned about getting and keeping a relationship?
Whether you’re in a relationship or not, you need to understand that the person who cares the least controls the relationship; thus, when you feel an anxious attachment in your relationships, you usually feel quite powerless. It can be painful to be the one who cares the most, has the most invested, and is waiting for the other to engage. Such behaviors actively contribute to an insecure (but strong) attachment. If you are to break this pattern, and gain the investment of the other person, you’ll need to have a more secure foundation and confidence in yourself, your future, the opposite sex, God, or true principles–for the truth really can set you free. Those who feel and act secure get more respect, attention, affection, and investment from others. Stage 0 of the Lasting Love Academy will help you create this kind of secure foundation.
Do you rarely get excited about the people you’re dating (or meet)? Are you consumed with fears of settling or being trapped in a relationship (even when you’re with someone great)? Do you regularly question whether or not you want to be in this relationship? Are you typically the one who ends your relationships?
Many singles feel numb, stuck, trapped, and disconnected from their dating partners (or others in general). They may feel initial excitement when first dating (although many complain that they fall into relationships rather than actively choosing them), but within a few weeks or months they begin to feel passive and disinterested in the relationship and they don’t know why. Small issues can quickly become deal breakers, but they linger for weeks and even months with indecision. If this describes you, you need to know you aren’t alone. Many struggle with avoidant attachment issues and it’s not because they don’t care about their partner or that they prefer to be alone. As a matter of fact, this is the most common pattern Alisa sees in her practice: amazing men and women who either aren’t dating or who date great people but just don’t feel a connection and therefore can’t commit. There are four underlying causes that are driving your disconnection, in spite of your best efforts and sincere intentions. Until you learn to manage and address these issues, nothing will change (especially your anxiety, doubt, and disconnection). You can have the confidence you need to be more active in dating, to power on (trusting that the process you’re using will bring solid and happy results for you and your dating partner), or to break up with confidence (knowing this relationship isn’t right for you due to specific reasons). Stage 0 will help you lay a foundation for breaking your patterns, feeling stronger emotions, engaging fully, and increasing your chances for loving, and being loved.
Do you get caught in unhealthy, abusive, manipulative, unfaithful, or dishonest relationships? Do you have difficulty trusting your judgment? Do you fear getting into a relationship with someone who has a drug, alcohol, or sexual addiction?
Singles fears are often due to ignorance. They fear what they don’t know or understand. They fear repeating patterns from their past and doubt they can break these patterns. They fear asking questions and they fear getting answers they don’t want to hear. Most of all, they fear that something is wrong with them, and if this is true than how can they trust their judgment. The good news is, you can discover those who would be liars, cheaters, manipulators, or beaters because such people can’t help but reveal their issues through their lack of empathy, self-control, and personal responsibility (or E.S.P). If you know how to identify these warning signs, you can spot them in three dates or less (and definitely within four months). You can trust your judgement!! You can trust your future, the goodness of the opposites sex, and the reality of lasting love! Stage 0 helps to lay a foundation of understanding in this area but to truly feel confident you will want to also have the books and resources from Stage 1 through 5.
Are you plagued by concerns over whether you should stay or leave a relationship? Do you worry that you’re too picky or not picky enough? Do you feel paralyzed by anxiety and feel relentless doubt about your attraction, compatibility, or what might be best for you (or them)? Do you linger in relationships but just can’t find peace, progress, or break up? When you do break up are you relieved at first but weeks or months later feel paralyzed by longing and doubt once again. Do you feel like you keep putting your partners through a revolving door of commitment and doubt.
Most people don’t plan on failing, they fail to plan. You do not need to linger in doubt. You can get a clear picture of what you’re looking for and the skills you need to succeed. You can shed the pressure of people-pleasing and the distraction of the comparison trap. You can have the skills you need to choose your love and love your choice for a lifetime. There are four driving causes behind your doubts and fears, your indecision, or your fluctuating attachments and disconnections. You can break these patterns and have the peace and confidence you long for in your relationships!! Stage 0 will help you understand what you’re experiencing and the essentials you need for breaking your patterns. For more solutions to help you strengthen your relationship and solve problems as a couple, consider getting the Relationship Package (which includes stage 0 and Stages 2 through 5).
How will The first six weeks of dating (Stage 1) help you?
Do you struggle to get the attention of the opposite sex? Do you worry about how to approach others, start conversations, and ask for (or give ) a number? Do you fear looking needy and desperate, embarrassing yourself, or being rejected? Do you want to date more attractive, confident, or successful singles?
Many singles overthink the dating process. They sit in anxiety and doubt because they don’t know what to do or how their actions will be perceived. This causes them to sit on the sidelines instead of engaging fully, act like friends instead of showing interest, hang out instead of pursuing dates, and convince themselves that the other person isn’t interested instead of taking any risks. The good news is–if you know what to do, you will find it easier than you ever thought possible to start a conversation, act confident, ask for a number, and handle rejection in a way that makes them want you more!!! By discovering how your fears, thinking errors, and behaviors are undermining your confidence you can change your thinking, act with more intention, and find success. Stage 1’s books, audios, DVDs, and articles will help you understand how to read social cues, stand, sit, touch, and interact so you look strong and confident (men) or feminine and confident (women). You can leave them wanting more and get them to invest and pursue you back. No matter what your dating or relationship issues have been, you need to know, It’s not you–It’s your technique. You can get a different outcome because this time you’ll know what to do. Stage 1 comes with all the books, videos, audios, and articles and Lasting Love Academy information that Alisa offers. Thus, you have everything you need to succeed from laying a solid foundation, to first date, marriage, and beyond. !You can do this!!! You can get the attention of the people you want to date. You can up your game and your confidence. You’ll love the results and they will too!
Do you get caught in the too-nice, just-friends, good-for-now, hanging-out, or texting traps?
One of the most common mistakes singles make is being too available, accommodating, and patient in relationships. Not only does this pave the road for being taken for granted, but it also puts the other person in a position where they do not need to sacrifice. The more deeply they sacrifice the more deeply they love. So, if they aren’t sacrificing (even though you are) they will not love, value, and appreciate you. There is an antidote to these dating traps, but it starts first with changing your thinking. You need to be able to confront your anxious attachment patterns and know how to create secure patterns. The answer to the too-nice trap is not being a jerk or a wench. It’s being secure. Secure in yourself, your future, the opposite sex, God, or true relationship principles. People can’t help but feel drawn to those who are foundationally secure. The Lasting Love Academy and the materials in Stage 1 are dedicated to helping you to learn how to do this and much more.
Do you worry about how to time and pace dates, appropriately manage affection, avoid sexual contact, date multiple people, identify early warning signs, and secure the attention of A-Listers?
The ins and outs of dating can be difficult to navigate. How should you act on first dates? When should you call? How do you handle texting, emailing, on-line dating, and long-distance situations? When should you hold hands, kiss, or become exclusive? How do you date multiple people? What if you aren’t sure you’re interested? How quickly should you respond to phone calls or texts without looking desperate or leading them on? How can you tell if they are into you? How do you show that you are into them? How do you keep the pressure off, avoid sexual contact, and still maintain their interest? How do you identify if they might be addicted, unfaithful, abusive, or lying? How do you solve dating problems, plan appropriate dates, or bring up serious conversations? These situations and more can be solved with ease and confidence if you know what to do. You can effortlessly overcome other’s dating missteps and guide them gracefully to more effective behaviors. You don’t need to rush in and stop dating others. The pressure won’t be good for a new relationship anyway. You can keep your options open, express your feelings and needs, treat others with respect, make better choices, identify warning signs, and break bad relationship habits, all while having fun. You can be confident, trust your judgment, and say no. Healthy dating patterns can be easier to create than you realize. And, if you know what to do, it will be more fun than ever! You can do this. These skills can become effortless.
Do you struggle to make meaningful connections on dates? Do you struggle to get repeat dates or move relationships toward exclusivity and commitment? Do you fear define-the-relationship conversations?
Most dating relationships don’t make it past the first six weeks. There are several reasons why and most of them have little to do with you (and a lot to do with your technique). If you demonstrate an anxious attachment right away, spend too much time together within the first few weeks, share too much too soon, engage in sexual contact, or create too much pressure, you are more likely to get rejected. If you overthink the process, focus on compatibility, worry about what the other person is thinking, obsess about attraction and chemistry, or feel an obligation to commit too soon, you will likely lose interest and run. There are many things you can do to increase your confidence, make better connections, take the pressure off, and have more fun–all of which will make you even more attractive and desirable. You don’t need to pin people down with difficult questions about how they feel or where the relationship is going. With the right techniques they will come to you and ask for your exclusivity. Best of all, you’ll learn that this process does not require perfection. Actually, perfectionism hinders the process and will only make you and others uncomfortable. You can be confident, happy, and secure during one of the most challenging stages of the dating process!!!
When I buy Stage 1 what’s included?
It includes everything, 4 books and 4 DVDS (which will be mailed to you) in a box set (specific to your gender):
Single: Discover the Truth about Successful Dating, Being Irresistible, and Achieving Lasting Love (235 pages)
Weekly Dating Advice: 100 Practical Steps to Transform Your Love Life (70 pages)
Red-Flag Rulebook: See If She’s Bad New in 3 Dates or Less (for men, 92 pages) or See if He’s Bad New in 3 Dates or Less (for women, 91 pages)
It’s Just Technique book: AStep-By-Step Guide from Flirting to Becoming Exclusive (one for men or one for women, 115 pages)
Master Your Techniques, a DVD Series (equaling 6 hours of videos)
— PLUS —
The Lasting Love Academy’s
Stages 0 through 5, which includes
hundreds of articles
10+ hours of videos
30+ hours of audios
30-day money-back guarantee (minus the cost of shipping)
This is the only package that includes Stage 1 and the 4 book and 4 DVD box set
How will Pre-exclusive (Stage 2) help you?
Do you struggle to have fun when you’re with your partner (or have fun when with them but feel anxious when not with them)? Do you feel you’re lucky to be in the relationship while also feeling self-conscious, anxious, and not good enough? Do you find yourself making a lot of excuses or talking yourself into why you need to give the relationship more time?
Having fun is an essential ingredient in all five stages of dating. It is in these moments that deeper bonds and attachments often occur. If you’re struggling to have fun in your relationship, there are several possible causes: (1) you may have an underlying anxiety; (2) your partner may be toxic, verbally abusive, or dishonest and, therefore, your body is tuned in and stressed but your not listen; (3) you or you’re partner are engaging in thinking errors that are undermining your ability to relax and have fun; (4) you’re treating your time together, phone calls or dates as a duty, responsibility, or something you should do rather than something you want to do; or (5) the two of you aren’t being active and engaged enough to have fun (passive=passionless). It’s important that you identify which of these is compromising the joy of your relationship. Most people who are relatively healthy will not stay in a relationship that is more work than play, which is a good sign. If one or both of you are willing to suffer and endure in a difficult relationship while it is still fairly new, what does that say about how healthy the two of you are, individually and as a couple? Work and communication are essential to relationships, but successful couples tend to have at least five positives to every one negative. Although this doesn’t justify ignoring big issues because you have so much fun together. If you know what’s driving your struggles to have fun, you can take confidence in either changing or leaving your relationship. The information and skills taught in Stage 0 and Stage 2 will be essential in helping you learn to have fun.
Do you struggle to have difficult conversations, to ask hard questions, or discuss the relationship? Do you fear being rejected at the first sign of being needy or imperfect? Do you worry that problems in a relationship mean it’s wrong or fatally flawed?
Many singles struggle to communicate. They worry about making mistakes, revealing issues, looking desperate, exposing flaws, or acting in a way that triggers rejection. They don’t want to hurt the other’s feelings or make them uncomfortable so they withdraw rather than communicate. They suffer in silence while analyzing the other person’s issues, past, weaknesses, or character flaws. They fear not knowing the truth, learning the truth, or not knowing what to do with it when they discover it. This results in many singles clinging anxiously to their partners (dismissing and excusing obvious warning signs) or shutting down and withdrawing (convincing themselves that their fears must be true, why else would they feel anxious–after all, if a relationship isn’t organic and easy it must not be right). Such overanalyzation can have a paralyzing effect on both parties. The sad truth is, if either of them initiated conversation with respect, confidence, and warmth they would solicit the answers they need, create more mutual security, address problems with more courage, and feel deeper respect and appreciation (whether they continued the relationship or not). If you develop the skills to do this, you will not only look more confident and desirable, but others will tell you more than you ever imagined and you will feel more secure doing the same. Love is deeply connected to sacrifice. And security is deeply connected to vulnerability. Perfection and silent anxiety isn’t the answer. Facing issues head on with warmth and consistent emotional engagement is how you create lasting love. Stage 2 can help you do this!
Do you struggle to trust your partner and the relationship? Do you feel less chemistry or attraction than you want to feel? Do you find yourself caught in what if, all-or-nothing, catastrophic, or perfectionistic thinking?
The first two stages of dating are critical. Most singles set themselves up for big problems due to the people they choose and how they handle the early stages of dating. The warning signs are usually more evident than singles may want to see. The potential that they’re in another revolving-door relationship with someone like their ex is highly probably. And if neither of these are present (i.e. they’re finally breaking their pattern and dating someone who is healthy and mature) they’re likely to feel less passion and chemistry (because secure relationships don’t create drama). If singles are to establish and maintain healthy relationships, they need to learn how to: (1) identify when a relationship is fatally flawed, incompatible, or lacking in sufficient chemistry and get out early; (2) recognize, create, maintain, and enjoy compatible and safe relationships; and (3) recognize when their anxiety and thinking errors are driving them to cling (signs of an anxious attachment) or detach (signs of an avoidant attachment) so they don’t sabotage the good relationships they’re in. You can have the skills you need to succeed in good relationships. You can trust your judgment, your partner, and the relationship. Trust is an essential ingredient to good relationships and if you don’t answer the question of whether or not you trust them now (because you’ve asked the right questions and tested the relationship over time), than your relationship will have problems later. Rush too quickly to trust and you’ll end up in a mess that’s hard to escape. Take too long to trust and your relationship may wither and die. You can avoid the common thinking errors that undermine your trust and theirs. You can know what to look for and what to do. Don’t skip this essential step and don’t make the mistake of believing perfection or the right partner is the answer. Trust is about a process not perfection.
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How will Creating secure attachments (Stage 3) help you?
Although you’re in a relationship do you or your partner still struggle with doubts about the other’s commitment? Do either of you feel that the other is holding back, not engaging fully, or ignoring the needs of the relationship? Do either of you struggle to feel passion or fully invested?
Many singles think that once they become boyfriend and girlfriend their relationship will become easy and close. This is not always the case. The anxious and avoidant attachment pattern (or pursue/withdraw dance) is so common that most singles don’t know what a secure attachment looks like, especially if their parent’s marriages were troubled or ended in divorce. Additionally, no one can create a secure attachment on their own. It is something two people must do together, which doubles the risk that you or your partner will struggle to connect. If you both are to stay Available, Responsive, and Emotionally engaged (A.R.E.) within the relationship, and during times of conflict, you both need to know how. For example, when one person is anxious, lonely, or hurt they may complain, to which their partner may spontaneously react with feelings of criticism, rejection, or emotionally indifference (even though they do care). The first may then responds with anger or hurt, which triggers yet more withdrawal, defensiveness, or rejection from the second. This dance can go on and on, with the one or the other making concessions that they later resent. If you and your partner are to create a secure attachment, you need to understand this dance and the underlying fears and emotions that perpetuate it and what you can do instead. You need to show faith in the goodness of the other person and that the two of you can resolve and overcome these challenges as you learn to communicate more effectively, respond to each others needs, self-soothe your emotions, engage in repair attempts, and create a conflict-resolution style that fits your individual wishes and preferences. You can learn how to create a secure bond and maintain lasting love, after all it is what both of you want. And Stage 3 will help you with everything you need to know and do to have it.
Do you feel paralyzing doubt or disconnection as you get deeper into relationships? Do you feel a compelling need to decide if you should get married or break up? Do you feel distressed by your ongoing awareness of those who are more attractive, successful, happy, or in love than your feel for your partner? When your partner tells you they love you, do you feel concerned because you aren’t sure you can truly say it back with complete authenticity? When others ask about your relationship do you find yourself struggling to answer their questions with confidence? Do you avoid introducing your partner to friends, family, or work colleges because you dread the questions or the pressure that may result?
There is a growing population of singles who suffer from underlying anxiety and unrecognized thinking errors that paralyze them in relationships. They are competent, successful, socially skilled, and dating amazing people; nevertheless, as their relationships progress their doubts, anxiety, and desire to abandon the relationship seems to grow exponentially as well. They may hang in there and continue the relationship but their suffering in ways that others often can not see. They are frequently labeled as commitment phobic but that is not accurate. They want to commit and be in relationships (although at the moment they doubt it). The problem is that they simply don’t know how to overcome the internal chaos their feeling (usually before or after they see their partner). They can’t feel the peace, excitement, and connection they think they should be feeling. So they worry that they are wasting their or their partner’s time. If this fits you, than you probably have a variety of thinking errors that are driving you from feeling the emotions you desire. You are also highly likely to have an underlying anxiety (or Relationship OCD) that is causing your mind to lock in on difficult issues that others find easier to dismiss. It can be hard for you to feel confidence that your concerns are not significant when your emotions are so relentless. Additionally, you are prone to jumping stages. Instead of focusing on the skills in Stage 3 (which includes having fun, creating a secure attachment, and improving communication), you jump to Stage 4 (solving external problems as a couple) or Stage 5 (preparing for engagement and marriage). Such stage jumping substantially increases pressure, anxiety, and thinking errors. You need to learn to reduce this anxiety and thinking errors, deepen your bond, and have fun. Until you’ve learned to do this, you will never feel the confidence and emotions you need to progress to the next two stages of the dating process. You can do this, but you can’t keep doing it the way you have–it just doesn’t work (which your past relationships have proven). Stage 3 includes audios in which Alisa is talking with clients like you, whom she has guided through every stage of this process. They are now happily married and have children. You are not alone. And you can have the same success they’ve found.
Do you or your partner struggle to depend, rely, or need the other? Is it hard to share feelings, ask for help, or open up? Do either of you focus on perfection as a means to love and be loved.
Learning to trust another person enough to depend and rely on them can be challenging for many singles, but it is an essential ingredient for creating secure attachments. If you or your partner struggle to ask for help, share feelings, or open up, it will be hard for the other to meet your needs. If either of you keep your emotions or the details of your day to yourselves, even though you love being there for others, you will have a disproportionate amount of power over the relationship. The more someone shares with you, but you don’t share with them, the more power you’ll have and the more vulnerable the other will feel. This may feel safe for you but it will be frightening for them. So, if you want a secure attachment, you both need to open up and allow each other to truly know and be known by the other. Perhaps you feel, like many other singles, that if you shared it all, opened up, and were truly transparent and exposed to them, they would criticize, reject, or abandon you. But, what price are you paying because you aren’t doing these things? How are your issues manifesting through secretive behavior, emotional disconnection, or an inability to truly enjoy the love of another and give it back to them? Stage 3 can help you engage in small steps of disclosure and trust until you feel confident in your relationship and fully enjoy the bond you share.
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How will Solving problems as a couple (Stage 4) help you?
Have you and your partner decided how you’ll address and resolve issues, including money, sex, religion, cultural differences, parenting, step-parenting, extended family, debt, education, career changes, household and yard responsibilities, work and child care, etc.? Do you know the four things that will destroy your relationship, how to negotiate the three successful conflict styles, how to give and receive repair attempts, what you and your partner’s five love languages are, and how to maintain a high positive to negative ratio? Do you know how to positively influence your partner versus manipulating in aggressive or passive aggressive ways? Do you know how to bring up difficult issues and address situational triggers by identifying and soothing your partners core fears? Have you proven (over time and with a variety of issues) that the two of you are successful when solving both personal and relationship problems?
The problems your relationship may experience won’t be the problem–it’s how the two of you handle these problems that will make or break your relationship. This is why it is not wise to rush the process of getting married when you and your partner have not yet developed one of the most important skills you’ll ever need, conflict-resolution skills. Nothing elicits more shame and deep emotion than the topic of money and sex. When divorcing couples are asked what their biggest problems in marriage were, they usually say communication, sex, and money. Don’t wait until after you are deeply dependent on each other to discover how the other person handles (or refuses to handle) difficult issues. Discover now whether you and your partner can negotiate, compromise, apologize, admit when you’re wrong, show empathy, and maintain self-control. The most highly-rated traits of happy marriages includes empathy for the others feelings, needs, and dreams and the ability to influence and be influenced by the other. Stage 4 will help you to assess how successful you are at doing this for each other, what communication traps you’re vulnerable to or how to avoid them, and what you need to do to ensure your relationship remains strong, happy, and positive.
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How will Engagement and marriage (Stage 5) help you?
Is your anxiety (or panic) increasing? Are you not feeling the level of excitement you think you should be feeling when considering engagement or getting close to marriage? Are your feelings of doubt normal or a sign that something is wrong with your partner, the relationship, or your love for them? Are you fighting more, getting hung up on small issues, or being consumed with a desire to run away? Are you starting to question whether marriage is right for you or if it really does work for others? Do you feel prepared for and confident about your ability to sexually satisfy each other?
Our society perpetuates romantic notions about love and marriage. These unrealistic standards make it hard for many singles to trust any feelings they believe don’t measure up to the hype. Instead of feeling excited about marriage and infatuated with their partner, many singles see that their partner is human with flaws, insecurities, issues, family drama, and less than ideal reactions to stress. The anxiety, doubt, and even panic, this causes can feel overpowering. However, this is very normal. More people feel this way than those who feel twitterpated. Successful marriages are based on a lot of good and solid qualities both in the individuals and in the relationship. If your decision to marry is more logical than emotional, you’re probably making a solid choice. That being said, there are steps you can take to reduce your anxiety, have more fun, enjoy the process, and increase the feelings you desire. Stages 2, 3, and 4 should have helped you along this path, but stage 5 will definitely get you prepared for and even excited about marriage.
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