Dating shouldn’t be something you’re worried about

As you know, my life was pretty crazy with work for a while. Since things have slowed down I’ve really been enjoying life.  So much so, in fact, that dating has been pretty far from my mind, with the exception of this weekly blog post.

It’s not that I don’t want to date, it’s just that sometimes it’s nice to be so busy doing other things that I don’t have to worry about it.  As Sarah mentioned in one of her posts a few weeks back, worrying about dating all the time becomes stressful and can take the fun out of activities.

I realize that you gave her some great advice about how not to be quite as stressed and to simply enjoy it, but what if you just don’t want to think about it at all? I feel like there are a lot of people out there who don’t worry about it and end up dating and getting married anyway. I guess I don’t really have any questions for you regarding this subject; I mostly just wanted to voice my feelings about the whole situation.  I’m enjoying my time not worrying about dating.

Alisa’s response

At its best, dating shouldn’t be something you’re worrying about.

Chapter 4 of the It’s Not You—It’s Your Technique manual focuses on helping men and women make a good-faith effort, but then it encourages them to trust in God, themselves, the opposite sex, and their future by letting go, relaxing, and having fun.

To best illustrate this, here’s an excerpt from chapter 4, in which I give advice to a client who’s experiencing high anxiety about a new relationship:

Relationships are like gardens. You can till the ground, plant the seed, fertilize the soul, and pluck the weeds, but you cannot make your seed grow. You can only do your part, leaving God and the seed to do the rest. God provides the sun, the soil, and the other essentials, and the seed “knows” what to do from there. Your current behavior is the equivalent of spending 24 hours a day overturning the dirt, pulling at the new stock to see if the roots are developing properly, and measuring the plant to see if it is growing or not. Obsessing in this way hinders your progress, shows little faith in the man you are dating, and interferes in God’s ability to bless you both. It makes you miserable and unhappy. You need to do your part and then leave your garden and go have fun. The distraction and focus on other things will settle your mind and help you be more patient. So get busy, spend time with friends and family, and pursue your interests. A day or so later come back water the plant, pluck the weeds (i.e. give attention to him and the relationship), look for signs of progress (trusting that you will find progress), and then go have fun some more. This is the best way you can show God and him that you have faith in them both. Remind yourself often—It’s no fun to watch flowers grow.

So what I am saying is, if you are making a good-faith effort by improving your techniques, learning more about the opposite sex, and investing in the process, you really can and should sit back and relax. Otherwise you will wear yourself out, burn out, and become so anxious and over-involved that you’ll inadvertently turn others off.

It seems you’ve found and learned the joy of really letting go, which, by definition means you are not worrying or thinking about it. You’re just enjoying life and trusting the process. If this is the case—way to go. This is a difficult thing for people to learn and do.

So with this in mind, what are the good-faith efforts (i.e. goals) you want to focus on over the next few weeks? They can be big or small. For example, “I will live life more fully, smell the flowers, enjoy friends, etc., trusting that God will give me the opportunities I need to practice my techniques,” “I will read chapters 3 and 4 of the manual,” or “I will look for an opportunity to practice three of the 17 secrets to the male psychology and then smile, sit back, and just enjoy the experience, trusting that the rest is in God’s care.”

These are just examples. What are your thoughts? What good-faith efforts do you believe you need to make for now? And what kind of beliefs or goals do you want to focus on as you continue a more relaxed and trusting way of life?

I look forward to hearing more,



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