I seem to go on a lot of blind dates. I used to be annoyed by this, but then one day I had this feeling of gratitude that people wanted me to be just as happy as they are. And now I really don’t mind being set up as much. In the last couple of weeks I have been on two blind dates and one “blind” phone call. I’m not certain of the balance between feeling obligated to give things a try and the fact that I’m not really interested.
Here are brief summaries of each of the dates.
The first blind date went really well. Conversation was easy, and it was obvious that both of us were having a good time. But it’s been a couple of weeks and he hasn’t called me again. If we lived in the same town, I’m certain he would ask me out again, but he doesn’t, so I’m not certain he will.
The second blind date was okay . . . I was mostly maintaining the conversation, asking questions about him. When he took me home, he asked if he could take me out again. I honestly didn’t know what to say. I didn’t have a great time, but the date wasn’t horrible. There just wasn’t a whole lot of connection. What should I have said to him?
The third, the “blind” phone call, and I have only talked once, but I found that he doesn’t match some of the items on my top-ten list. I don’t know whether I should oblige him and go on one date or politely decline. My friend who set us up is REALLY excited for us to go out.
So, basically, what’s the proper etiquette for blind dates? I’d like to go out with Blind Date Number One again, but he hasn’t called. I feel obligated to go out with two and three because the people who set us up are really rooting for something to happen, but I’m not feeling a lot of connection. Based on your responses in the past, Alisa, I know you will have great suggestions for me!
My advice for both men and women in these situations is to first understand the purpose of dating during the first six weeks. It is to:
- make them feel great
- have fun
- practice your techniques
If you see warning signs or if they don’t fit your top-ten list, then don’t even go on the first date or waste your time or theirs. But if they appear to have the qualities on your top-ten and you think you can have a reasonably successful experience as you practice your techniques, then give it a date or two. If you end up having fun enough, give it up to six dates to see if they move from your B list to your A list, which can sometimes happen. However, never go on more than six dates with someone who doesn’t move to your A list.
When a woman needs to reject a man for any reason, the best technique is to say, “I’m sorry. I just didn’t feel that kind of connection, but thank you very much.” It is always best to be straightforward and direct rather than to come up with excuses, lie, dodge phone calls, or keep going out. These kinds of behaviors state that a woman does not have faith in him or trust that he is a man and, as such, capable of handling the truth.
Faith and trust are a man’s number-one needs. It’s dangerous and destructive for a woman to get into a habit or pattern of acting like she doesn’t trust that a man can handle respectful rejection. Instead she needs to mentally repeat, “He’s a man. He is strong and capable. He will be fine.” And the truth is, he will be.
I hope this answers your questions. Oh, and if you would like to avoid lame blind dates, here’s a great technique to use when someone wants to set you up. Ask: “What is it about this person that you think they would be good for me?”
Then listen to their response. If they can answer this question intelligently they probably know you and the other person well, which can be much more encouraging than opening the door to only ask yourself, “Wow—is this really what the other person thinks of me? This is going to be along night.”
You’d be amazed at how little people often know about someone and yet are quick to set them up with the first single person they can think of. This technique will save you a lot of trouble.
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