“I really like him. He doesn’t call much. What do I do?”

All right, it’s goal time.  Making goals can be difficult for me because I HATE when I don’t achieve them. But I have faith that good things happen when I set goals. So, here for the world to see, are my goals for the week. And if I don’t accomplish them, I have to pay $20 to the charity of my choice.

#1—Be Safe Goal:  Three times a week I will express my feelings, rights, and needs.

I alluded to this one earlier, and it’s already brought great success.  Good things happen when you stand up for yourself.

#2—Be Confident Goal: This week I will create a  list of the top-ten qualities I’m looking for.

Abigail and I were actually working on this the other night. The list will be forthcoming.

#3—Be Successful Goal: Three times this week I will go out of my way to actively participate in conversations with the opposite sex.

I love meeting new people, so this generally isn’t difficult for me.  But with guys where there is a slight chance of potential, it’s a whole different story.

#4—Be Effective Goal: I will choose to think positive thoughts regarding dating. There are good men out there, and the kind of guy I want to date will find and recognize me as the type of girl he wants to be with.

So there are my weekly goals.  What are your goals?  What will you do to go out of your way to be more effective?  Anyone have suggestions on how I can be more effective?

All rightso now on another dating note. Alisa, what do you do when you have a freak-out moment in the beginning of a relationship where you’re dating but not exclusively, and because of difficult travel/work schedules you’re not in the same city to be with each other?  What’s the best standard to judge moving things forward by?  If a guy is amazing, kind, mature, aware, etc., but you’re still unsure, what do you do?  How long do you go?  How do you get past the first few weeks? Thoughts? Suggestions?

Suggestions from Alisa:

I love your goals. They’re all great; however, I recommend you eliminate one for now. It’s best that you not work on more than three goals at any given time, or you will burn out. Since you’ve already worked on the goal of expressing your feelings and needs, I suggest you just focus on maintaining progress in that area but take it off your list, unless you feel you still need more time and practice at it.

Relative to being in a new relationship that is not exclusive, you are definitely going in the right direction by keeping your other options open, continuing to flirt, and having faith in the kind of man you are looking for and that he will pursue you. I know that things may feel a little uncomfortable with this new relationship because you aren’t sure what to do, especially when you are away, but I recommend that you simply review the 17 Secrets to the Male Psychology and attempt to apply a few of them when he calls you next (for example, showing appreciation, expressing faith and trust in him, letting him be your hero, acting feminine, expressing your opinions, having fun, etc.). Then I want you to sit back and relax, trusting that he will know what to do from there. You two are not alone in this process. God will inspire you both. Trust in God to sort out what this relationship needs and how to go about it.

To help you do this, remember that it’s best for men when they are setting the pace and timing of the relationship (i.e., calling you most of the time, investing in getting your time and attention, asking to see you, taking you out, etc.). I know this leaves you in a position where you feel you are waiting, which can be difficult for a woman, but God can comfort you, teach you patience, and give you peace. So pray for the faith and insight you need and then go have fun, get busy, and don’t wait for the guy’s call. He’s either going to call or he’s not. Most likely he will. When he does, reward and reinforce his investment by acting happy, confident, and busy while lovingly encouraging the behavior you desire. For example, if he hasn’t been calling as often as you would like while you are away, the next time he calls act as if you have been busy and happy. You can demonstrate this by not taking his call right away and calling back 20 minutes to 2 hours later (which busy, happy women do because they have a lot going on but will still fit someone in as soon as they can). Then tell him about the great things you’re doing, ask about his day, act feminine and confident, and then end the conversation by saying, “Your call really made my day. There are so many things I appreciate about you, but one of the things I appreciate the most is how important you make me feel. Thanks for calling. I hope to hear from you soon.” In this way you show appreciation, faith, and trust in him while also letting him know what you want or need from him. When a man feels like a hero and a success in a relationship, he will often pursue more of the relationship and even greater commitment.

Another suggestion I’d make to help you stop thinking about him: every time you’re thinking about him, realize that he’s probably not thinking about you. He means no insult by this. It’s just the difference between men and women. Then repeat to yourself, “I can’t afford to spend more time thinking about him than he spends thinking about me. If he is thinking about me he will call; until then I’m going to think about something else,” and get busy. Base your frequency, energy, and conversations about him on the frequency with which he calls you and make sure you do less. This also means that until you are exclusive you limit how much time you spend talking about him with others. You also limit the number of people you talk to about him to three friends. This will keep you from getting too excited and impatient in the relationship so your feelings can grow slowly over time and in balance with his investment. Nothing is worse than getting more excited and more into someone sooner than they are into you.

I hope this helps. If you need to, change one of the goals above so that you can apply these concepts to the relationship without having more than three goals, which will overwhelm and discourage you. Don’t have more than one goal about him. You need to keep your attention on other things.

Let me know how this works for you and how you change your goals.

Good luck,


Sarah commented:

I was just here reading/pondering the advice you gave Lili and I in our last posts. You hit a lot of points that I needed to hear. As I was thinking about your advice I was thinking how you would be the perfect “best friend.” I always go to my girl friends for advice, but they sometimes don’t have the courage to tell me what I need to hear or they don’t have useful ideas and suggestions for me. But I still go to them every time.

Lili’s comment and new goals:

As Sarah said, you really are brilliant!   I LOVED the suggestions.  Wow and wow.  They are perfect.  How come I never thought of that?!  I especially love the concept that, although it is uncomfortable waiting for the guys to act, God can comfort me in that process.  I really love that principle!

Alright, here we go my new goals:

#1—I will not think of him more than he thinks of me.  I will repeat, “I can’t afford to spend more time thinking about him than he spends thinking about me. If he is thinking about me he will call; until then I’m going to think about something else,”

Yep, love this goal!

#2—Top-ten list.

I think I’ll finish this weekend with Abigail.

#3—Go out of my way to talk to the opposite sex.

So I’ll focus on these three this week.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

Thanks for your brilliant advice Alisa!


PS:  Your assumptions on how often he calls were totally accurate.  Well done.


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