“He’s not giving me as much attention. Now what?” —Q & A

Hi, Alisa,

I could  use some brush-up tips since the class I took in October 2008.  I went to your insightful blog for some answers.

Q– How do you find out the #1 need of a man? Just ask them? Also, is there a six-month drop-off curve?  I’ve noticed lately a little less attention coming from my man. We’ve been dating nearly 9 months. Mostly his calling & texting has decreased while I’ve been still putting in that effort. We are exclusive, so how do I keep him chasing if he’s expecting to see me every Friday–Monday?  He always asks what I’ve “got going on tomorrow” for our Friday date night, & I am occasionally busy with other things. How do I keep his confidence without him feeling rejected?  Lovingly lessen time with him? Touch & time are his love languages. He may lack confidence now as I recently spoke of taking a break but then decided to give it a bit more time. Instead I said we needed to not be as affectionate so I could keep my head clear (meaning simple & not soul kisses that were leading into trouble). This may be a factor in the seeming lack of attention. Do you have any interest for a class in Utah County?

Blessings to you for all you do.

A– One of the advantages and struggles of established relationships is that they become routine and sometimes begin to feel less meaningful. I suggest that you talk to him about this and explain that you feel the relationship needs a little more attention. Tell him what you would like to be different rather than emphasizing what he is doing wrong.

For example, you could say, “I would like to know when I will see you in advance because I want to be with you but, at the same time, I don’t want to be waiting for you to decide when you are going to be with me. It feels better to have plans scheduled if I am not sure I will see you. If you let me know when you want to see me in advance, I can do both. This would really mean a lot to me.”

After this conversation I would start to become busier and less available for last-minute get-togethers. This will help him to start chasing you more, by either making plans in advance or by realizing that he really is losing time with you. He will most likely start to complain or request more time at this point, which will make you feel better. However, this usually takes three weeks, so don’t look for immediate results.

Your kisses still need to be passionate and sweet but just keep them short—two to five minutes or less—and don’t lie down or sit on his lap when you are kissing. This will prevent you both from experiencing increased and unnecessary temptation, especially if you are kissing late at night. Just makes sure the kisses still feel meaningful, not impersonal, or you will both lose a little of the connection you need.

I hope this helps.

Good luck,



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