Abigail’s first step—”Identify my fears”

I’m still wondering how in the world I got myself into this situation.  One day I’m talking to a friend about a dating coach she has heard of, and a couple months later I am writing about my experiences using the advice of that dating coach.  I, like many of you may be, was skeptical.  Do I really need a dating coach?  And even if I have one, will it really make a difference?  Well, I have realized that this program is about a lot more than just dating, and I can already see a difference in the short time I have been committed to it.

The first thing about this program that really hit me was the importance of separating the person from the technique.  It is so easy to feel rejected and worthless when that guy doesn’t talk to you at the party or doesn’t call when he says he will.  It is so easy to assume that there must be something wrong with you and that you need to be better in some way.  But we all need to remember, “It’s not you—it’s your technique.”  This may sound like just another line, but it is so much more.  It’s about being confident; it’s about facing your fears and knowing that you are a great person even when someone else may not see that.  One of my goals this week is to write down all of my fears and then write out a list of things that I’m going to choose to have faith in.  The things I choose to have faith in will hopefully answer my fears.

I am hoping that this program will give me opportunities to learn and grow through different experiences, some of which may be awkward and/or comical (I’ll be sure to share those).  That’s just how dating is.  And this is why I have decided I am going to take all the help I can get.

Wish me luck,


Note from Alisa Goodwin Snell

I would encourage both men and women to take the challenge Abigail is taking. To do this, write about your fears as well and add them as comments to this page. I will comment on your fears and give you suggestions for overcoming them.

You may also enjoy the Faith versus Fear page. Click here to read it.




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10 thoughts on “Abigail’s first step—”Identify my fears”

  • I hate my smile.
    I feel like I’m boring.
    Talking and laughing is difficult because of my dorky ugly smile.
    I feel like if I stutter.
    I don’t know what to talk about with guys.
    I feel not cool and not interesting.
    I feel they are too good looking or too cool for me.
    I’m not confident enough.
    Can’t feel like myself around them.

  • I am overweight and have been told by the men in my life (dad, ex-husband…) that this will prevent any man from being interested in me.

    I am not where I want to be in life. I feel like no one would want to be a part of my chaotic life.

    I am terrified of choosing another manipulative man.

    If I could find someone, it couldn’t work because I have teenagers.

    I’m not good enough, fun enough, mature enough for a good/real man.

    Yuck! What a depressing list.

    • In an effort to combat her fears, Abigail will be writing next week about the things that she will choose to have faith and believe in. I would encourage others to do the same. Write out your fears, but then spend the next week seeking for the things you will have faith in to combat your fears. Involve meditation, prayer, self-help, and positive thinking exercises. As long as the things you choose to believe in are true – they can set your free. There are long lists of truths I use with my clients. Abigail and I will be sharing some of them next week, but in the mean time see what you can discover through your own efforts, both emotionally and spiritually.

      Focusing on building faith may seem like an insignificant thing to do, but the whole dating-coach program is built upon it because I know it work and it is essential to success and well-being.

      I look forward to hearing from you next week.


  • Hmmm, my fears. It sounds easy enough to do but to really sit down and analyze them is another thing. I guess the things I am afraid of are:

    That I won’t ever be good enough.
    That I am too good.
    That when I finally find love, I will ruin it and have a horrible relationship like the many that I am surrounded by.
    That I will try all the right techniques and still be too fat or not pretty enough.
    That a decent guy will never ask me out or approach me of his own accord.
    That all the good men are gone because I’m over 30 and it seems like the older you get…the slimmer the pickings get!

    Good luck Abigail…and to all of us! I am seeing a common thread in our fears. Why do none of us feel good enough??

  • Sadie, I totally hear you on your fears! Ab, Lil, and I were chatting about it the other day and our fears really do hinder us from a lot of great opportunities. I need to take a minute and write mine down. I know a major one is that I fear I won’t fulfill people’s expectations. So much to think about!

  • I ended a 6.5 year relationship about 4 months ago after finding out that my boyfriend had been cheating on me for at least 9 months with one woman and possibly even a couple of years with others. One of my biggest fears is that I’m going to carry those wounds and mistrust into new relationships.

    I also have some fear of abandonment issues which have kept me from really being able to be fully vulnerable with a man and that also have caused me to stay in relationships for much longer than necessary with guys who I felt deep down were probably not “the one” but they seemed like a “good guy” or “good choice”.

    I guess right now I have trust issues with myself to make good decisions.

    I have similar fears and doubts as some of the other girls about whether I’m pretty, fun, intelligent, interesting, etc. enough.

    I just started going back to church at the end of last year and am in a bible study group and going to church regularly and getting involved there, but I’m still very early in exploring my faith and not ready to proclaim myself as a Christian yet, so I also worry that I’m not godly or Christian enough.

      • I liked where you said: Please note, in many cases it is not enough to say to God, “Please help me to know what to do.” Sometimes you need to choose a direction, opinion, or belief, and then ask if it is right. Then your mind and heart will be better prepared to receive a more direct response or insight.

        I’m going to try that because my mind tends to get clouded when I just pray for direction vs. choosing a direction or option and praying about it specifically and then maybe praying to know if there is an option or idea that I haven’t considered if I’m still not getting it.

        Thanks for the response!

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