“What does it mean to assert my needs?”

Hi, Alisa,

Lili, Abigail, and I had a conference call last night, and we had one question. As we were talking we noticed that you discuss the idea that girls need to assert their needs. We were all stumped on this idea. We were wondering if you could provide us a few examples of what it means to assert our needs.

Thanks, Alisa!


An example of expressing your needs could be, “Would you mind picking me up at my house (getting me back by 11 p.m., helping me replace a lightbulb, getting me a glass of water, etc.)? It would really mean a lot to me.” This could include expressing your opinions, feelings, almost anything. The important point is that good men respond well and even like the challenge of meeting a woman’s needs (Secret #9: men like women who have opinions and assert their needs; Secret #5: men like women who like themselves; Secret #6: men love to be heroes; Secret #2: men love through sacrifice; Secret #4: men are driven to succeed, face, challenges, compete, and conquer). Thus you can see that expressing yourself in a respectful way (Secret #1: men seek out relationships that make them feel trusted and respected) is good for the male psychology and for getting and maintaining a man’s interest in you. Better still, expressing your feelings and needs turns off the emotionally immature (i.e. the potentially abusive and manipulative), making it easier to weed out the jerks from the gems.

And for the men who are reading: Expressing your needs is equally as critically or you will quickly fall into the too-nice trap and attract women who will take you for granted rather than adore you. A basic coaching philosophy to remember is, “I don’t give the best of me to those who don’t invest in me.” If you assert your needs, feelings, and opinions early on you will sort out the jerks from the gems as well. An example of how to do this is to ask a woman to help you plan a part of the date, “How about if I bring everything we will need for the pick nick—lunch, water, blanket, etc.—But will you come up with suggestions for desert? I want to pay, but I would really appreciate your ideas.” Then watch to see if she responds.  A woman who won’t hear your requests and invest effort in meeting your needs now, won’t do it later either.

I hope this helps.

Any other questions? Let me know.



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