- Do you have lots of first dates but few second dates?
- Do you feel excited about new relationships but then quickly experience disappointment, loss of interest, or rejection?
- Do you feel doomed to be lonely or fear you are doing something wrong?
If you seem to cycle through relationships every few weeks or months, there may be several things you are doing wrong.
Women, you may be taking away the challenge, acting too available, or having sexual contact early in the relationship. These mistakes are common but contribute greatly to why a man loses interest by the third to sixth week. Perhaps you think that playing hard to get is old fashioned, too restricting for you, or too challenging for men (thus they won’t pursue you), but ask yourself, “Is what I’m doing really working?”
Men are driven to face challenges, succeed, and conquer. Furthermore, men do not fall in love through sex. Men fall in love through time, energy, and investment. Men love through sacrifice. Thus, the more deeply they sacrifice the more deeply they love. If you take away the challenge, do all the work, and make yourself excessively available and easy, men will become bored with you.
Instead, act loving, warm, charming, sweet, appreciative, and affectionate (meaning simple touches on his arm, short kisses, hand holding, hugs, etc.), while:
- ending the evening by 11 p.m.
- not answering his calls immediately (but calling him back within a few hours)
- only accepting dates if given 24–48 hours’ notice
- pacing your unsolicited phone calls to him based on every 2 to 3 calls he has placed to you
These tips along with hundreds of other tips are available in the Dating System for Men and Women. They are based on the 17 secrets to the male psychology and supported by concepts that have been proven to get and keep men in pursuit of women. Although you may doubt that men will pursue you if you give them a reasonable challenge, you have no idea how much more successful you will be until you give it a try.
Men, if you are getting dumped frequently, there are two possible reasons. Perhaps your behaviors are threatening your date’s feelings of safety and security (which are a woman’s primary needs). If this is the problem, you really need feedback, preferably from a woman you have dated in the past.
Another explanation could be that you have fallen into the good-for-now trap, meaning you are too nice, too available, and too accommodating. Women like nice men who make them feel safe and secure; however, women are also attracted to strength, confidence, and men who are assertive. If you are too nice, a woman will simply not feel as passionate about you. The chemistry will not be as strong, and she will not trust or respect you as much as you may deserve (because you don’t act as if you deserve it).
The secret to changing this pattern is saying no sometimes (for example, “I am sorry. I would love to see you tonight, but I really need to study.” “You know I love to help you, but I want to see my friends tonight. I would be glad to come over tomorrow to take care of that.”). Saying no does not make a woman feel less safe and secure. In fact, it does quite the opposite. Women do not trust men who never say no to them. They simply doubt whether or not he is truly sincere. If you say yes to a woman 80 to 90 percent of the time and say no 10 to 20 percent of the time, you will find that she values and respects you more, that she feels more passionate about you, and that she takes your thoughts and opinions more seriously.
For those men and women who are doing the dumping, you may ask, ”What’s wrong? Is it my date, or is it me?” Perhaps you frequently feel bored in relationships or anxious about commitment. Perhaps you want a relationship but you don’t want to settle and you can’t imagine putting up with the little quirks and problems that your date has. Perhaps you have a habit of dating people you know you should not marry. Or perhaps you doubt your judgment and fear making a mistake.
First, avoid over thinking the process. The first three to six weeks of dating should just be fun, lighthearted, and easy-going (especially if you are dating an emotionally mature person). If you add up your date’s good and bad qualities and feel pressured to commit to him/her here and now, you will rarely get past the third week. If your date acts ‘too into you’ too quickly (hint, hint—too nice, too available, too clingy), you may feel additional pressure and conclude, “This relationship isn’t the one. Best to end it now before it hurts him/her more.”
The problem with this approach is the pressure you are putting into the process. So instead, define the top-10 qualities you are looking for (the top 5 of which are non-negotiable). When you meet someone who initially fits these qualities, commit yourself to not analyze the relationship until you have dated him/her three months. Then just focus on having fun and getting to know the person.
The more you sacrifice for the relationship over those three months, the more you may discover that you do in fact feel passion and excitement when you’re with him/her (which is another reason you may be caught in this bored or over-anxious dilemma—you haven’t been sacrificing enough to really grow attached to him/her). Sacrifice is deeply connected to love, and without it you cannot truly enjoy or appreciate the other person and what they have to offer.
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