“You said he’s not into me – but now he is . . . ”

Hi Alisa,

So the man who asked for my telephone number has never called. I was sad about that until I remembered you said that happens AND I thought “Hey! No man has EVER asked for my number.” Not sad. I feel it an accomplishment.

One man asked me out Sunday while I was on the internet date site and I remembered you said no same-day date and I had plans with friends that evening so I told him I was busy that night but would love to another night. No response from him. Again started sad but then remembered that it’s been 20 years since a man ASKED me for a date – I’ve done all the asking since then. That’s an accomplishment too!

Q – Now for my question. I really need some help on this. In my last appointment we decided that the man at work hasn’t asked me out because he just isn’t that into me. I can accept that. That night it was hard but by the next day after pondering it all night and that morning, I was accepting of it. What I don’t understand are the things he’s been doing since then. My question is: If he isn’t interested in me why is he doing these things?

This has been his behavior since my last appointment with you: He comes to my desk more frequently (most every day, some days several times). He intentionally sat beside me in a meeting we had when there were plenty of other seats. For a few days in a row he came to my desk to chat – just chat. Even on the times when he has come to ask me something regarding work he stayed to chat. Last week and this week have been the hardest for me. One day last week he came to my desk because he was having a rough day due to something at work. I reassured him that I knew he would figure out how to handle it. We chatted for a while then I said something intentionally to make him laugh and he laughed.

We had a work event and he followed me everywhere I was going and without me asking or inviting him to. He went out of his way to open my door, wait behind for me, and more. Once during the day he approached me to tell me he had seen me on one of the activities and I was “remarkable”. A woman interrupted us and he turned to her and said, “Isn’t Janice remarkable?” And just went on and on about me to her. Then right after lunch he approached me and started a conversation with me. A woman interrupted us and just as she started talking she spotted a squirrel and yelled “Oh look! A squirrel.” He said he couldn’t see it and I told him he needed to take a step either to the right or left of where he was standing. He took a step to the left, which brought him closer to me. He asked me where and I pointed. As I pointed it out to him he stood closer to me.

I had a really bad day on Monday and Tuesday of this week. On Monday he came over to check on me like he could tell I was having a bad day and throughout the day he came to my desk. On Tuesday he did the same. He was so tender with me.

Alisa, if he isn’t “into me” why is he behaving like this? I don’t understand this behavior. I’ve been rejected by men. I know what that looks like. I’ve been treated like I’m a “shameful thing” to be around by men and they’ve kept me “hidden” from their friends. I know what that looks like. I’ve been friends to men. I know what that looks like. But I don’t know what this is, and I’ve been so frustrated and aggravated by it. Please tell me what this is . . . WHY is he behaving this way if he isn’t interested? Aren’t these things men do when they ARE interested?

This is made harder for me because I am so interested in him. He has most of my Needs and several of my Wants from my Requirements List – not to mention (but I’m mentioning it!) that I think he’s SO handsome – so I am having to struggle with myself to not care more about him than I do.

I’m sorry to bother you. But please help. Janice.

A – Janice,

Your skills are working. You make him feel great. You are a challenge. You are standing back so he can step forward. You are doing a great job in supporting and encouraging his male psychology. He likes you and he likes to be around you, but will he take a step forward and pursue you? I don’t know. His behaviors seems to indicate that he could be into you, but again, I don’t know. The only way you can be sure is to put him on the spot some time within the next month. Remember the technique you were going to use on him months ago. Use it when you feel ready. Until then, keep him sacrificing for you, make him feel great, let him be needed and appreciated by you, make him feel like your hero. If nothing else he is good practice, but at some point you have to confront the situation and find out whether he will pursue more than friendship or not, because you don’t give the best of you to those who don’t invest in you – right. You will know when the time is right. As long as you are getting good practice, take advantage of the opportunity, just don’t let this string you along or you could spend months building this up and hoping it will go somewhere to discover it won’t – It’s just practice. If he doesn’t pursue dating you someone else will.

I hope that helps. Good luck,

Alisa

Added with permission and name of client and situation changed.

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Category:
2 - Flirting & Pursuing, 3 - Managing rejection, 4 - Avoid Common traps
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