Confusion over The Rules, playing too hard to get, and how to fix it – Q & A

Hi Alisa,

Q – I took the class in Oct. & have been practicing but this weekend I was stood up. Searching through your notes I haven’t found any info on this & I’m unsure how to handle it. I had been limiting phone conversations with this guy even though it felt like I was giving him the impression that I’m too busy for him. He did ask me out after a few weeks of phone games. We mad a date Thurs night for Sat but I cancelled on him Fri night feeling rushed & wanting to stick to the 3-week-rule. I was sincere & we rescheduled for the next Sat. He said he’d call the next week & I finally got a text from him Fri afternoon asking if I had time to talk that night. Being the busy girl I am I replied that I was available before 7. He never contacted me. Should I have texted him asking if we were still on for Sat v.s. waiting all weekend for him to call? It’s Mon, still haven’t heard from him & I’m thinking I may send a text stating that I was sorry I hadn’t heard from him & hoped he’s well. I did make it a point to go out Sat anyhow & dance my frustrations away. I believe in 2nd chances but I’m thinking he was disrespectful & maybe his intentions aren’t to date me. We were friends in college & he found me online. Asking his intentions may be advised? I was unable to make it to the boot camp but obviously could have used it. I’d be grateful to you for any thoughts.

Sincerely, Confused

A – I would e-mail him or text and say, “I am sad we are having such a hard time getting together and would still love to see you. Give me a call.”

I just want to make sure how you are interpreting my 3-week-rule, please explain your interpretation of it so I can help more effectively.

Wishing you the best. Alisa Goodwin Snell

Hi Alisa,

My interpretation of the 3-week-rule was to not accept a date within the first 3 weeks unless it’s a special circumstance.

So when I haven’t heard from a guy before our upcoming date I should be confident & just text asking if we’re still on?

Am I right to expect every guy that wants to spend time with me to take me out VS hang out, assuming I make that clear with them by asking, “Are you asking me out for a date?” And express that I spend my free time with guys that are interested?

Thanks, Confused

A – I am sorry. I am not sure where you got that version of the 3-week-rule. I have a 3-date-rule for identifying the potentially abusive and manipulative. I have ideas for how to avoid the 3-week-drop-off-curve. But I can’t recall having a 3-week-rule for not accepting a first date. This could cause significant issues for men in the pursuing process.

I am glad you wrote me so I could clarify. I recommend that you not accept a date for the same day that a man calls you, unless there is a special circumstance. It is best that you only accept dates that are planned for the next day (at the earliest), but preferably two days away, for the first 3 weeks. Men love through sacrifice and a good man who is really interested in you will definitely ask you out in advance. I also recommend that if a man does ask you out for that night, you say, “I am sorry. I am not available tonight but would love to go out another night if you can give me at least a couple of days notice”, In this way a good man will respond well and ask you in advance, whereas a jerk (or a player) will lose interest and stop pursuing.

Does this help?

If you haven’t texted him you, you might want to call just to tell him you have really enjoyed talking to him and wondered how he is doing. Men fear rejection and often stop pursuing within a few weeks if a woman puts him off a lot. He may feel you have been putting him off. By simply calling him, you show him you are willing to risk and invest in him as he has been risking and investing in you.

Good luck. Let me know how this works for you.

Do you remember where you got this impression of a 3-week-rule? Was it hearing me speak somewhere? Was it from my book?

Also, would you mind if I post portions of our e-mails on my website to help others who may have had similar concerns?

Sincerely, Alisa Goodwin Snell

P.S. One more thought, after reviewing your original e-mail. Yes, I want you to be busy and happy (rather than excessively available which would make you boring), but as long as he is making the investment in contacting you it is important to show him you are available to him. Take a man’s call in the moment sometimes, just not every time. Call him back immediately sometimes but most the time (for the first few weeks) give it a little time (30 minutes to 2 hours). Go out with him within a day or two (but hopefully within the week), but just not that same night. I hope this clarifies how to avoid being excessively available without being too hard to get.

I hope this helps clarify how to encourage him to pursue you. Alisa

Hi Alisa,

Thanks for the clarification. I did misinterpret it. In the workshop booklet under “From 1st date to 3 week drop off curve” , it says , “Do not accept a date for the night of for the first 3 weeks”. I read it without the word for which changed my interpretation.

So you agree with my contacting him to see if we’re still on for a prior planned dated if he hasn’t contacted me the day before? And do you agree that I should be intentional if necessary in expressing my views of hanging out? You are sure welcome to use any part of the e-mail excluding my last name. I look forward to a future evening class where I can purchase your book.

Much gratitude, Confused

A – Yes, I would be intentional about hanging out. If a guy says, “We should go on a bike ride on saturday.” I would clarify, in a cute coy way, “So is this a date, or hanging out?” If he says hanging out, reply, “can we do that bike ride on a different day. I save my weekends for dates.” That way he knows that you know your worth and treat dating as greater priority than hanging out.

In terms of calling or e-mailing to confirm a date, I would wait to see if he calls first to give him a chance to show he’s a gentleman. I recommend that for every three times a man calls, a woman would be wise to call or text once (to show him her willingness to engage in the process as well – guys always say they look for some indication that she wants him to keep calling). If you have called him once or twice (based on this ratio) than wait for his call. If you have not, and he has called a few times, then you can call or text to confirm the date, a few hours before the date (if he has not called). If he stands you up or doesn’t confirm the call, it says a lot about him. Most guys will confirm.

I hope that helps. Good luck, Alisa


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