Comments and questions about Ch. 1 of the ‘It’s Your Technique’ manual

Feeling Hopeful

Chapter one is a great introduction. There are plenty of days when I look back and I simply love the life I have. Yet, in the comparisons and competitions of the world it is easy to lose confidence. Reading chapter one helped me remember the things I love about myself which are the things a future husband will love about me too.


I especially loved Chapter 1, it came at the perfect moment… one of those meant to be things! I had received my copy just before Valentine’s Day and had literally been saying to friends “when is it going to be my turn?”. Also with the current economic downturn, I have been concerned about my current situation and allowed that to dictate the level of my self-esteem. Chapter 1 helped me realize that others are experiencing the same feelings as I am. I loved not only the affirmations, but the more physical proactive goals. I worked on goals 1, 7 & 15 last week.


I have always been shy in first meeting men. I have discovered thru Alisa’s program what I can do to improve my techniques in the dating arena. I have not been very aware of how I am not playing my part until now or even what my part was. Alisa has given several tips that have assisted me in knowing what my part is and how to play it.

For example practicing a new flirting technique can be a little scary. When I think of it in terms of just practicing to improve my skills. I find myself letting go of the outcome and my self talk to be…”The right one will pursue me, because I am worth pursing…or the right one will recognize my value and will respond.” Which gives me more confidence and I find myself moving into another technique, Be Effective Fact #8 “If he doesn’t respond someone else will. Which allows me the faith and freedom to pay more attention to those that are displaying my desired qualities and pay less attention to those who do not.

Through practicing the flirting techniques, there is more awareness of what is going on around me than what I have noticed in the past.

Thanks Alisa!

Diana had many comments and questions about Chapter 1, her comments are listed below along with my responses in pink:

  • From Page 2: Is “nursing someone” into asking her out different from flirting? Flirting is acting confident, feminine, warm, and expressive. It is not prodding a man to get a telephone number, to call, or go out. It is trusting that if you play your role, he will play his, or someone else will. It is keeping your eyes on the qualities you are looking for from your top ten list and having faith that you will have the opportunity to marry that kind of man. He will play his role.
  • From page 2: It was good to read “I will never tell you you are wrong” for feeling the way you do (in the be right box). It helps to hear that you shouldn’t feel bad for feeling that way, even though to move on we must accept that we have value and need to practice more effective behaviors.
  • From page 5: “Your technique is failing you” and “it has more to do with your technique than it has to do with you.” While I realize this is the premise of the book, sometimes it seems there’s more to a given situation than just the right technique. What if men are just unready or unrealistic–perhaps because of their inexperience/immaturity with relationships? (see the experience I wrote about below with my most recent relationship) Also, my experience has been that with a lot of men, you can flirt and flirt and do everything right, but they still won’t pursue. Frustrating… What you describe is a perfect example of technique. You are flirting with men who are doing nothing about it. You are giving the best of you to those who don’t invest in you. Be warm, feminine, confident, and expressive and if he doesn’t take action, stop flirting with him – the man you are looking for will take action. You have done your part, now change your focus. Not changing your focus would be a poor technique. You need to also know that many men don’t believe a woman is flirting even though she thinks it is so obvious. Chapter 3 is all about how to flirt with a great example of how to get a guy to seize the moment and ask for your number.
  • From page 5 be effective fact #4: I really liked it being pointed out that most relationships won’t last 6 weeks even if your techniques are flawless (maybe that answers the questions I just asked above). I appreciate the fact that the person with whom you are flirting is not the only one who notices, that the time will come… for the person who does recognize and appreciate your value. But I have to ask, is it all about flirting and/or technique? Sometimes I find it frustrating if that’s what it comes down to. Once you read chapter 3 this will be more clear. Chapter 3 is all about making him feel great. In order to understand what flirting means to the male psychology, you need to be introduced to the 17 secrets (which doesn’t happen until Chapter 3. One of those secrets is that men are driven to succeed, face, challenges, compete and conquer, another is that men love through sacrifice. Your flirting is what makes men feel excited and driven to pursue you, and only through pursuing you will they fall in love. Hang in there. More understanding will come.
  • –Be effective fact # 6: Lists. Ten items on your list? Could that be too many? I think some people focus too much on lists. No doubt that some qualities are critically important, but I know many singles who focus on things that in the end really aren’t important. Most singles want more than 10 things and then they wander around expecting all of them. Focusing on 10 things helps to refine a person’s desires. If they then do as I request and start recognizing and appreciating those who have the qualities on their top 10 list they will start to attract those kind of people. Many singles want much but don’t focus their attention enough on a few things to make it happen. This is the equivalent of – “Most people don’t plan to fail. They fail to plan.” If 10 is to many for you, feel free to shorten your list. Remember, my point is that the top 5 are non-negotiable and a sign that you are settling. The last five are a things you want but are ready to accept as a work in progress.
  • –Be effective fact #7, Love is deeply connected to sacrifice: I very strongly believe in the things in this section. In my most recent relationship, he somehow couldn’t understand that he would never feel a greater connection (I’ve noticed that “connection” was a big buzz word for him and I’ve seen others use it a lot as well, much more than I used to hear) until he invested more in the relationship. Just spending time together wouldn’t strengthen the connection. He was holding back, which I think intensified the reasons why he didn’t think the relationship was right. He rarely did anything thoughtful for me. I guess we can say he “wasn’t that into me,” but I think he could have been if he had been willing to invest and sacrifice. I was careful to allow him opportunities to do so–for example, not jumping at the chance to split the check, etc. However, he didn’t seem ready to really invest and think about someone else’s needs, goals! , etc. other than himself.
  • This segues into the next be effective fact #8, if he/she doesn’t respond/someone else will. I found these 2 sections most helpful. I will keep reminding myself of the principles in fact #8 to help me resolve the issues that came from a lack of willing to invest and sacrifice.


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