I was told once that the difference between those who are confident and those who are less confident is… their way of thinking about themselves. Alisa outlines in chapter 2 how to have better thought processes in relation to our fears. By giving way to them, I can create self-fulfilling prophecies that cycle over and over again. I say, let’s stop the madness J. Alisa has given a great outline on how to combat fears and in a sense process thru them by creating positive truths about ourselves in direct relation to those fears. It is a step-by-step guide to attracting what we want in our lives through faith-based principles.
One of my fears is that I am less attractive due to weight issues. I have struggled with weight most of my life, I work out, I eat healthy, but I still struggle. Using Alisa’s techniques, and in processing thru my fears, I tell myself that the right man will see me for who I am and all that I have to offer. I try to hold my head high and believe that I am an attractive woman.
I know that when I am conscious of my thinking and I am keeping a positive mindset, my confidence and ability increase; and therefore, I am more successful in life and relationships.
Does anyone else find it so hard to take your goals and practice in public? I swear, I am so good at planning and dreaming and envisioning everything so perfectly. And yet, as soon as I decide to take a goal and practice it in public I feel completely self-conscious. It’s as if I feel everyone can tell that I am trying. I find it so easy to shy away and convince myself that “the right man will have the courage to pursue me.” And yet, I also want to gain the courage to show my fun and outgoing side so the right man will be attracted to my outgoing side, not my shy/reserved side.
Start getting comfortable with these goals by practicing them with friends and family.This way you will feel less vulnerable and it will give you time to get comfortable with the skills before doing them with strangers or in public. You could even involve a friend or two by telling them what you are doing and asking them to give you feedback on how you are improving and looking more natural with the skills. Most people in fact will not see you as looking awkward. That is the way you feel but not really the way you look. Trust the process. You will get used to these behaviors in time, and even create your own little niche with each of them, if you keep doing them. Alisa
It seems to me that if it feels like you are “trying” or that others can see your efforts then maybe you are not being yourself. All there is to do is just relax and TRUST that you are enough, have fun with it. Just step up your own natural self a bit and you have it. Also, maybe you could consider practicing on “safe” people–even women or old men or some unthreatening crowd until you can build up your confidence a bit. What do you think? Maybe you can help me with figuring our WHERE to go to practice. I work with all women. How do I expand my opportunities? Monica
Maybe I am starting more slowly than others, but the goals that I have concentrated on have been more along the lines of looking my best no matter where I go. Smiling more in public and talking to people whenever I am standing in a line.
In the past, I would not have thought anything of running errands with my hair pulled up, no makeup on and very casually dressed. The grocery store seems to be the place where I feel the safest, so I have practiced smiling more while I am shopping, making a small observation or starting a conversation in line, etc.
I admit that I am going to find it much harder to try to touch people or make honest, but random compliments to people I do not know. Also, I know my family/friends would be more than willing to help by letting me practice on them, but I have never been comfortable with role-playing… too self conscious.
Hope that helps! G
I have to agree. It’s hard to practice the goals in public because then I am focusing on trying to accomplish the goal rather then talking… maybe I’m just focusing too hard on the goal.
It’s super hard for me because where I used to live, ALL my friends were guys, no joke and now I’m down in Utah where I don’t know any guys and the guys in my ward think of me as too young, I’m 19 and the guys in my classes are all married so I also don’t know where to practice the goal. Courtney
i kind of make a game of the goals. i share what I’m doing with my friends and then we go do our thing and talk about it after. it can be fun. i also don’t think about it very much. i write down my goals, review them a few times a day and just try it. by the end of your day, you have much to think about, and sometimes, fun stories come out of it! Clara
When I began the dating challenge I found it helpful to take the pressure off of myself, I didn’t look at flirting as a way to make others like me, I looked at it as a way that I can make someone else feel good about themselves. My first goal was to recognize qualities that I admired in others, my second goal was to complement them on these qualities. I found that taking the focus off of myself and attempting to build up others built up my confidence in talking with them, and flirting. I hope this helps.
Sure I think many of us feel this way. It’s just a matter of practicing and taking it one step at a time. It’s the old game of “Fake it until you make it.” J
I have been struggling for sometime now with a friendship that wasn’t really working for me. I had been hurt by something this friend had done, but I was afraid to talk to her about it. After reading Chapter 2, I really started thinking about my fears and why I was so afraid to talk to my friend. I think I was afraid of losing her friendship and being alone. But reading this chapter helped me to understand that I am not meant to be alone, and there are other people out there for me. It also helped me to recognize that my feelings and needs are valid and important, and that friends worth having will recognize and respect that. I finally had the confidence I needed to address the issue. Things didn’t quite turn out how I would have liked, but I am not depressed or worried, I am happy with the outcome because I have faith there are people out there who will respect me and my feelings.
Chapter 2 was good, didn’t resonant with me as much as the first chapter. I had prior to receiving the first two chapters of the book, started working on some daily affirmations (which is how I mainly interpreted Chapter 2) and I firmly believe in affirmations as a way to change negative thinking. I believe there is no right or wrong way to do an affirmation, but I think it would help to stress visualizing and repetitiveness on the affirmations. This week I have been working on goals 5, 9 & 15
- Chapter 2:
- from –Page 3 “This is not a fate that you need to accept or one that you have no control over.” I feel like I have some control, but maybe not as much as I would like. My most recent experience was with a 40-year-old man Anyway, sometimes it felt like I had no control in the situation, given he was someone who was unready for a relationship (and looking back I can see how reluctant he was about it), even though he claimed to want marriage and a family very much. His actions were not reflective of that. Sadly, you gave the best of you to someone who was not willing to invest in you. Not a good experience in the end, was it? If you know your value and wait for someone who treats you with value you will be much happier. It is by far better to be happily single than in a miserable marriage of neglect, passivity, abuse, manipulations, or more. You can have so much more.
- –The line on page 4 “he was tired of hearing that he was such a nice guy and a woman would be so lucky to have him, when the woman who was saying that was single and available” really hit home. I hate hearing that! It seems like so many people rely on that line as an excuse when ending a relationship.
- –Page 5, “It can be terrifying to try again, after so much pain.” So true!!! But is it easier to give in and accept loneliness? I’m not sure which is the easier choice. Only you can make that choice. If you decide that this is what you want, there is a path to get it and the book and my coaching can help. However, it is easier to not try.
- –Page 6: My fears. I feel like I circled so many! I think it’s because I was just dumped recently and feel vulnerable.
- –Page 8: “In the case of faith in truth, you are not alone, because God is on your side adding his power to your power.” Also, the references to believing that God does not want you to be alone–I realize your book was not specifically written to a LDS audience, but what about what Pres. Hinckley said that some people (mostly women) will not marry in this life, no matter how much they want it? The numbers are definitely not in the favor of women. How do we deal with this? I know we should try our best, and implement the helpful suggestions you make in your books, but it feels like in some cases it is out of our control. Thinking that many of us may have to wait until the next life isn’t all that comforting. I may be one of those people. I don’t think I can accept that, even though I feel like I have made good efforts in many relationships. The fault hasn’t always been in the things I have done or the way I have done them. I will however make greater effort on the truths in this chapter and the goals I have chosen to focus on. I know that you are experiencing doubt and fear. It is normal, but you have to decide to focus you attention on your fears or your faith in truth. Which one do you want to cling to. Which one do you want to claim you. Your fears or the truth. If you focus on your fears, you will experience them over and over again. If you focus on the truth, the truth can set you free. You can not banish your fears entirely but you can choose to redirect your attention to the truth you know about yourself, your future, and God’s interest in you. It seems you are much more familiar with you fears than you are with your faith and are eager to hear and believe those things that support your fears (as is evidenced by your quote from President Benson – the truth is you can not have any blessing except upon the principles that govern that blessing, D&C 121. Many people do not pursue a path that can realistically bring them marriage. Praying, wanting, and needing a relationship is not the same as understanding and doing what it takes to get one). If you play your role, you will find success; however, my program is a faith-based program so you need to decide which box you are going to give your attention to. If you chose the fear box, you will not realize as much success from my advice. I believe you really want to choose faith. If so you need to be careful about the thoughts you think, the things you say, and more. Do your words and behaviors reveal your faith or your fears.