First, if you had a good marriage you can be blind to the warning signs of the potentially abusive and manipulate (everyone wants to think that this isn’t an issue for them but it simply shows how much people don’t know what the early warning signs are). When you are in pain and your mind is not clear it is easier to overlook potential problems, issues, or warning signs simply due to the comfort the new relationship offers.

Second, research shows that those who make major decisions in the first year after the loss of a spouse often regret those decisions later (i.e. moving, purchases,major financial decisions, and remarriages). Second marriages have a 70% divorce rate when one or the other party marries within the first two years after a death or divorce. For those who wait two years or more divorce rate goes back down to 50% (which matches the divorce/success rates of first marriages), which in my opinion reflects the fact that by waiting you have a more clear view of what you want and need, of who is healthy and good for you and who is not, and that the kids have had time to adjust (the number own stated reason for divorce among second marriages is step-parenting issues).

Third, the kids need time to grieve as well and a new spouse often complicates that grieving and can end up receiving the misdirected anger that the children may feel about their loss (this is increased dramatically if the new spouse does not have empathy for the needs of the kids–and places more demands for change than what the situation would normally require).

Thus, although I fully understand why singles jump from divorce or the death of a spouse into dating, and although I hear many single argue that this standard seems excessive or unnecessary, I have to stand on this principle because there is so much logic behind it. Furthermore, I don’t know of anyone who has regretted taking a year to focus on their or their kids healing, but I know many people who have later regretted rushing in and dating so soon (because they either hurt others, unintentionally, or they had a terrible experience and/or second marriage). Waiting can be hard, but I know that it can be worth it.

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts on this issue. There are others reading these posts who will be glad for a diversity of opinions. I hope my logic and reasoning above helps them navigate this choice for themselves.

Please note, the thoughts above do not mean you shouldn’t go on a few dates. One or two dates here and there may be refreshing and can remind you that life can move on and you can love again, but I strongly recommend that you wait a year before entering into an exclusive/committed relationship or marriage. Unfortunately, a few dates often lead to a rushed decision to get into a relationship, so for some it would be best to just wait a year rather than risk the temptation to rush into a relationship.

I hope this helps and best wishes,
Alisa

But I bristle a bit with the wide brush painting all Ws as risks. A year waiting period may or may not be called for. It depends on the individual. A widowed man did not attain his status because of a hurtful divorce, for example, that may have bruised the heart with resentment and betrayal and therefore require more time to heal. In the widower’s case his wife simply died. The waiting period frankly may not be as long as post-divorce. And if you happen to become involved with a widower who has at least some handle on a spiritual belief (be it Deep South Baptist, Unitarian Universalist of even Buddhist) that frames what has occurred to him in a greater context of ‘moving on’ in life, then you have a better chance of making a go of it. A man who doesn’t really understand where his wife ‘went’ for example, has a harder time letting go, in my opinion.

Widowers can be very beguiling, very attractive by doing nothing but simply representing who they are—-men who in most cases knew how to tend to a relationship and were faithful for perhaps many decades to a woman. A new woman comes along, sees this and says to herself, “Gee, I want some of that.” Just go in open-eyed, ask questions and state your needs in a relationship early on if it starts to grow serious (which is what you should do in any relationship, right?)

And don’t ever forget that Mars/Venus stuff. Just because this guy you have met is a widower doesn’t mean he’s not a man as well.