To text or not to text?

I’m often asked by men and women, “What’s the best way to manage texting?”

A majority of women have a strong opinion on the subject. Here’s an excerpt from my upcoming book, Still Single? It’s Not You—It’s Your Technique, with specific advice for both men and women.

“Men—Most single women agree that when texting or e-mailing is the primary form of communication, it makes a woman feel less secure about your interest in her and consequently leaves her  less attracted to and interested in you.

“Brief texts throughout the first week with few to no phone calls may be somewhat fun, but if done too frequently this can quickly become tedious and even make you look too intense, too needy, or too insecure. Texts in the second week with few to no phone calls may be tolerated, although they make a woman wonder if she’s just on your B list. But texts in the third and fourth week with still few to no phone calls or dates becomes deeply annoying and turns a woman off, unless you are only on her good-for-now or B list too. Additionally, if you use texting to ask for a date, you will look passive or timid because it seems safe—or even lazy.

“A woman wants a connection, and texting feels like the bare minimum effort needed to keep that connection. It also leaves too much room for misunderstanding and mind reading, especially when emotions are being discussed. Men may see it as a simple and time-effective way to keep in contact, but it requires so little time that it makes a woman feel like she’s not a priority. When you’re calling and taking her on dates, a woman may see a brief text as the cherry on top, but it simply cannot be used as a replacement for real dating techniques.

“So, guys, make yourself look like an A-list man, and make her feel like an A-list woman by calling her at least twice a week and then sending a brief text to say hi or to let her know you’re thinking about her in between phone calls or dates. A brief text to ask ‘When would be a good time to call?’ or to confirm the place and time of a date that has already been set is also nice. Better still, a quick text after your fourth date to state, ‘You looked beautiful tonight,’ is always great.

“Women—When a man texts you frequently but rarely calls or asks you out, wait twenty minutes to respond to the text (which makes texting less rewarding because it doesn’t give him immediate access), and then respond, ‘I would love to talk to you about this. Please give me a call. I’ll look forward to hearing from you.’

“Do this whether he is saying hi, asking how your day is going, or asking what you’re doing on Saturday. If you respond to each of these situations with a request to have him call you instead, he will start to call you, especially if he really likes you. You can even explain to him, ‘I’m not much of a texter and don’t check my texts very often, so calling is the most effective way to reach me.’

“To combat your anxiety after using this technique, repeat to yourself as often as needed, ‘If he’s interested, he will hear my feelings and needs and will invest in meeting them, or someone else will.’

“Don’t be afraid of encouraging brief texts if they occur in between phone calls or dates, but don’t allow them as a replacement for these things. For the most part, men will treat you in the manner that you allow. If you warmly communicate what you prefer, they will give you what you need.

“It may also be wise to turn off your text messaging if the problem of men only communicating through text continues to persist. Most of your friends and family will call you if they can’t reach you by text. By turning off texting you eliminate the problem altogether.”

I hope this helps. Good luck,

Alisa